In Line With The Coffee Girl


clueless

She wore a pink dress, the kind I imagined you would wear to a sorority recruitment party, or maybe a little soiree to a Connecticut country club. She had a pearl necklace, and smelled like lilacs. She was on the phone.

I was working customer support, restocking things, making whipped cream and caramel, and pre-closing the store, so I was walking by the register right when she said it.

“I’m sorry,” she said with that bitchy sort of lilt Emma Roberts would use in a Ryan Murphy show, “I’m with the coffee girl, one second.”

The coffee girl.

My manager is in her thirties, and she wears a special black apron that says Coffee Master. It’d be difficult to mistake her as the “coffee girl,” unless of course you weren’t even paying attention.

Which she clearly wasn’t. Which tickled me all the more.

Working the support role at Starbucks is kind of like being a ghost. You float around, doing things that people don’t really notice, and the troubles of the mortal realm (people on bar and at the registers) don’t really bother you.

They don’t just not bother me, though. They amuse me.

Here a fat woman complains about not getting her venti caramel frappacino fast. She flushes in anger. There, somebody spills their coffee after a pitching a huge fit that it didn’t taste right. Over there, a child screams in line, wanting more and more madeline cookies. If you were affected by these mini tragedies, they wouldn’t be funny. To me though, the friendly ghost, they are better than TV.

So I laughed. Out loud. My manager and the woman turned to me. My manager gave me a sort of motherly “what are you doing? Stop right now,” look, The woman looked at me like I was an unruly servant.

I looked back at her and tried not to laugh out loud. She wasn’t laughing. She still wasn’t even paying attention.

I wondered what her life was like.

She’d leave this land of the coffee people after she got her drink. Maybe she’d do some shopping at Bloomingdales, interacting with the clothes people, or maybe the makeup beings, in their natural habitat, before hopping in her Mercedes and heading over to the pet groomer, where she’d pick up her small, white dog from the dog person. On her way home, undoubtably, she’d stop off at another Starbucks to refuel with another trenta gren tea from the coffee girls, because a dry mouth is no mouth at all, as the cleaning monster used to say. She’d swing by whole foods on her way out of the valley, where the foodlngs and meat creatures would supply her with whatever she desired. On to the 101, where undoubtedly she would speed, a and a law thrall would pull her over and give her a ticket. It doesn’t matter, though. The number demons would have this sorted and paid for as soon as an assistant thing brought it to them.

Money was no issue.

Finally, back in Beverly Hills, where the civilized world lives, she would park in her driveway. Danny, the handsome actor, would wave at her from his yard. I bet his wife doesn’t have to interact with the northern beasts, she thinks to herself as her heels clack across the imported paving stones.

Inside, she passes off her dog to one of her many assistant things, and inspects the work of the cleaning monsters. Flawless, as usual, but creatures of their status excel at menial jobs.

She sits down on a perfect couch. After a hard day of shopping, who doesn’t need a rest?

She’d hear a squawk, and turns around. There, inside the gilded cage, would be the parrot her husband bought her last week. A cleaning monster finishes polishing the outside, and then bows to her and leaves.

She’d walk up to the cage, and gently pet the gold. The parrot would cock its head, look at her with one eye.

“I love you,” It’d say, and then she’d be sad.

She’d be sad because she didn’t know from whom it learned the word.

I clutched my mop to my chest. I was no longer laughing on the inside.

The woman was staring at me. My face just changed from comedy show to funeral in less than ten seconds, with no apparent stimulus. I must have looked incredibly insane. She ordered her drink and left.

“Coffee girl?” My manager laughed once the woman was out of shot. “Can you believe that?”

“This isn’t the 19th century,” Jac laughed.

I didn’t laugh. “She might not have meant it,” I sad. They both turned to me.

“What?”

I searched my thoughts, and then I gave up.

“Never mind.”

I kept mopping, stealing glances at the woman in the pearl necklace, looking for something other than sadness behind her eyes.

The Parrot Cage

It couldnt stay buried forever…..


As I might have said before, I used to blog on a website called Blogspot, which I found to be the adolescent form of WordPress: moody and annoying.  This might have been what caused me to stop writing in first place, that and red dead redemption of course.  After i stumbled upon the glittering beauty of wordpress and, as i bean writing again, enchanted by its ease of use, I realized that some of my articles from Blogspot were still good reads… or at least I thought they were and everyone else who read them were too polite to say otherwise or that they didn’t read it at all.  Anyway, I’ve decided to re-post some of my old posts from Blogspot.  here you go.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My Pretentious Bag: A Study of Sustainability


I bought a pretentious bag at whole foods several weeks ago. This was a time, of course, when our gulf was being submersed in endless pools of oil, France and Italy were sent off in the knock out rounds of the world cup and the Executives of BP found themselves more hated than the demon offspring of Adolf Hitler and the great Satan himself.

It's evil cant be tamed!

Something had to be done, and evey time i looked out my window, do you want to know what I saw? If not I’m gonna tell you anyway. I saw people driving cars and eating food and throwing away trash and running water. No one was doing shit. It was up to me to make sure that the world would be sustainable for the rest of time, even into and after the apocalypse.

Not pictured: an oil spill

Fortunately I was at whole foods, a chain of stores that specializes in making you feel like you are making a difference, and then charging you for it; a cheap psychiatrist. I was waiting to purchase some authentic Greek yogurt, not Greek granola, and Chilean black cherries when the thought struck me: now, at long last, was my time to take a stand. But how? HOW???? And then I saw it, conveniently located by the self-checkout, which I always use because I fear other people, was a bag. But it was no normal bag. No, not a normal bag in the slightest. This bag was made of 80% recycled… stuff. With this bag, I would never again need use paper bags. Since paper bags are the scourge of the planet, I realized that this would be the perfect way for me to make a difference, to take a stand. I gleefully seized said bag, which proudly proclaimed on it’s side that I am for a sustainable ecosystem, and implied that you aren’t. The bag itself is bright blue and green, depicting landscapes and clouds from the Teletubbies, and looks as if it were stitched together by child slaves who were freed and then put to work somewhere else doing the exact same thing, but now for twice as much.

We love making bags! And forced labor!

My self esteem had never soared so high. I puzzled over exactly how many manatees would be saved by my selflessness, over how many orphans that would find loving families because I opted to not use a paper bag. I finally decided on 5. As I headed home, I knew that the world would soon right itself, due to a little thing called the butterfly effect. Who knows the long lasting ramification of my simple purchase? Someone in Vietnam could have very well encountered a leprechaun, gotten a wish, and snagged his pot of gold because I didn’t use a paper bag!

Ye found me pot o' Gold!

And now look what has happened. Oil spill? Plugged. Dengue Fever? Lived through it. Child slave rebellion? Crushed. So next time the world has a problem give me a call. Ill buy another bag.

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