Cry For Absolution


You approach the great doors.  They’re fifteen feet tall, made of some dark wood, and expertly polished.  Embossed on them are a tableaux: man falls from the mortal plane, down through caverns and holes and finally into a giant lake of fire.

You push the doors open, and enter a sanctuary.

Great stone columns line the center walkway.  The columns and the walls of the place are carved from a dark, dark stone.  No natural light enters the room, but the flickering candles cast strange shadows dancing across the walls and floor.

A wine red carpet leads you past several pews where the faithful wait, towards an altar at the front.  At the altar, a green skin creature in vestments exhorts the crowd.  He wears a hood.  His face is concealed.

“Cheer, oh faithful” he intones, “and rejoice.  The prophecy has been fulfilled.  50,000 views.”  He lifts too clawed hands in a call for exultation.  The faithful respond.

“What?” You ask.  “50,000 views?  How is it possible?”

The green skinned one turns to you.  You see a flash of white teeth behind the darkness of his hood.

“Through the corn goblin all things are possible.”

Your legs feel weak.  You fall to your knees.  The green skinned creature nods.

“What a fool I was,” you mutter, “for not reading his posts.”

“All the things you desire are here, if you only knew to look.”

“How?”

The green skinned one gestures to the altar.  You see it now.  A giant statue of something vaguely human shaped at sitting with a laptop on it’s knees.

“Put your hands up and reach for the sky.  Cry for absolution.”

The room is quiet now.  You look around.  The congregation of the faithful surrounds you.  You look at their hands.  They all hold corn.

“Please… please… 50,000 views!  How?”

The green one is before you now.  He holds out an ear of corn.

You stare at it.

And then you grab it and take a bite.

It’s rather good, but could use some butter.

The green one grins.

“50,000 views, paid for by viewers like you.”  He looks directly at you.  “It’s a big achievement.  Thanks for stopping by.  Become a reader now, and know that it’s not to late.  A corny absolution could be yours, too.”

“Corny?”  You ask.  Your lip trembles.  He nods again.

“All you have to do is read.”

Goblin

How to Get 3 Million Blog Views


Dear readers,

I’ve recently been working with a team of researchers from Miskatonic University, whose main goal is the delve into the lost recesses of cyber space and uncover long forgotten blog posts from blogs that, for one reason or another, came offline.  We’ve made some astounding discoveries.  This following piece is a prime example of some of the lost treasures we’ve found.

-The Corngoblin

**********************

3 MILLION VIEWS

3 MILLION VIEWS

Hi guys!  In case you’re new here, my name’s Peter, and I’ve got 3 MILLION VIEWS, and I’d like to show you how you can too.  You guys are obviously familiar with my work since, you know, you’re on the internet, so here we go!

HOW TO GET 3 MILLION VIEWS

I go on a lot of people’s blogs, normally just to post a spam comment so they come look at mine, sure, but it still counts, and there’s one thing I always notice.

They Aint Got 3 million views

Some barely have 1,000!  PATHETIC.  That got me to thinking, why does a famous, successful blogger like myself have so many views?  I mean, so many.  Is it fair that some bloggers get all the views, while other bloggers are relegated to the blogging slums, flighting each other for 10 views a day?  The short answer:

YES, IT TOTALLY IS

It’s called natural selection, or selective blogging, or maybe even blogctual naslection.  Survival of the fittest, and as anyone in the blogosphere could tell you, I’m the fittest, because baby, I’m survivaling.  I feel bad for those pathetic bloggers who don’t have any views, so I’ve decided to take the time out of my busy blogdule (blog-schedule LOL) to try and help those poor unfortunate souls.  First off, if you don’t have many views, then

YOU’RE PROBABLY A BAD WRITER: No offense, but you should just quit.  You’re wasting everyone’s time and taking valuable views away from people like me, who want to get 3 million more.  3 MILLION.

But for those ouf us who are good:

THERE’S HOPE

Follow this list and you too will get…

THREE!  MILLION!

THREE! MILLION!

  1. USE PICTURES: They say a picture is worth 1000 words.  I say a picture is worth:

THREEMILLION
VIEWS

The Joker and I have one similarity: He likes bullets and gasoline, and I like pictures.  What’s the similarity you ask?

joker cheap

Free, even.  So use pictures.  Not only do they get traffic back from google image searches, but they LOOK PRETTY AND ARE FUN TO LOOK AT.

2.GO CLICK LIKE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS: They’ll come look back at yours.  Who cares if they don’t read?  It’s not reading you’re going for, its views.  You don’t even have to read they’re posts, just click “like”…

big jerk

3. WRITE SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL OR OFFENSIVE, YOU IDIOT: If you make people mad, they’ll comment about how stupid you are, and tell their friends to come look at your stupid blog.  Everyone will hate you, but WHO CARES?  It’s the VIEWS.  For instance, did I tell you that Harry Potter is a STUPID IDIOT, and his books are so bad, I have no idea why he wrote them?  And that Lost is the worst thing to be on TV since they showed those videos of that school bus falling off a bridge?  LOL  And Reddit is for stupid fools that don’t know how to use 9gag.  And wordpress?  Don’t get me started on wordpress.  MYSPACE4LIFE, GEOCITES BITCH.

4. ENCOURAGE VIEWER FEEDBACK: Talk to people if they comment on your post.  IT’S ONLY POLITE.

5. DON’T WRITE BAD POSTS: If you write something that’s BAD, then people won’t want to read it.  So don’t write anything that’s bad. I know it comes easy for amazing bloggers like me, but that’s cause im a flippin GENIUS.

*****

After careful research, it was discovered that Peter had been slain, stabbed 30 times with a long knife at a meeting he had arranged for fans of his blogs.  Strangely, there were no witnesses, and none of the 30 fans who had shown up were called in for questioning.  Another internet mystery.

Weekly Guest Blogger of the Month


First off, i would like to let you all know that for 3 days in a row my blog had exactly 7 views.  Ideally, I would want this number to be increased by about 500,000 daily, but in folklore and myth the seventh son of a seventh son is a wizard.  I think this augurs great things for my future posts.  For instance, the day right after those 3 days of seven views had 16 views.

Speaking of views, ive subscribed to some other blogs and constantly wonder how big their audience is.  It cant be much bigger than mine

Pictured: My audience

But the way most bloggers talk, it sounds like everyone in the world is reading what they write about.  They have “guest bloggers” which are exactly what they sound like.  Guest blogging is an insidiously brilliant way to get more people to read your page.  For instance, say there is someone who has a dedicated following of thousands of readers.  I could get this person to guest blog on my page and siphon ALL of his or her viewers, at-least for a one day, skyrocketing my blog into superstardom.  Therefore, i would like you to welcome my guest blogger of the month: Cardinal Salvatore Bruchetti, the 124th Vatican Warlock Assassin Commander.

Note:  If you are not familar with Charlie sheen, just watch 

WEEKLY GUEST BLOGGER OF THE MONTH

The Cardinal

There has been alot of talk in the news lately about “assassins” and “warlocks” and “vatican” and i decided to guest post on this fantastic blog to clear the air; it’s all true. Since the great rift war of the mid 7th century the vatican defense council has kept a reserve unit of vatican warlock assassins in order to find and close any rifts to other dimensions that open from time to time.  Before I continue I would like to point that  ALL of these vatican warlock assassins are unpaid volunteers.  They dont see a dime for their noble sacrifices so please, show them some respect.

VWA’s are highly trained, super powerful win-o-mancers who are learned in the thaumaturgical arts of victory.  Training typically lasts anywhere from 10-20 years before a VWA is able to effectively combat rift demons and close the tears in space time that such creatures create.  If just ONE rift demon was loosed upon the world, the consquences would NEVER BE THE SAME.  Ever heard of a thing called armageddon?  Thats NOTHING compared to the power of a single rift demon.  Fortunately, we have VWA’s to combat these horrible evils.

A typical rift demon uttering his terrifying challenge.

Yes, Charlie Sheen is a VWA, the most decorated one in our long history.  Please show him some respect fort the good work that he does.

Pictured: Winning

And incase you people thing it is “funny” or “cool” or “lulz” to make fun of Charlie, let me tell you that he is literally addicted to winning.  If he doesnt win at everything always, he goes through horrible withdrawals that cripple his warlock powers for hours on end.  WE CANT AFFORD THIS. If Charlie isn’t leading around his band of VWA’s (called a troupe) the world might very well end.  So please, lay off Charlie sheen, the future depends on it.

Peace be with you

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