SOPA, complete and utter nonsense.


Last night, in a fit of horrendous ennui, I began trolling the internet most voraciously.  I stumbled upon this video, which led me to this website, which led to this website, which led to this website, which finally led to this website.  Needless to say I was utterly flabbergasted!  Who’s this congress they’ve been complaining about?  What have they got to do with this guy “Bill” and is congress involved in some sort of play?  Why is there only one act?  I needed to investigate, but how?  A quick google search revealed to me that if one wants to know the definition of a word, one need only find an eldritch device called a “dictionary,” and then look up the word that is contained therein.  At last!  How was I unaware that knowledge had been so close to my fingertips all this time?  After spending an hour rummaging through our piles of books in the pantry, I stumbled across our unabridged dictionary, surrounded by crushed rodent skeletons.  Apparently in ancient times this device was used as some sort of weapon.  I quickly flipped to the C’s.

Congress, noun: a collection of old fools who, in between bouts of farting and cheating on their wives, pass unpopular legislation for no apparent reason.

Congress

Pictured: Congress

Now I was really scared.  The american people have seemingly left their lawmaking at the mercy of ignorant fools who were elected only by spending millions of dollars in campaigning, dollars that could have been used to, oh I don’t know, pay of our $15 trillion dollar debt!  Anyway, what’s even more terrifying than that is that several congress persons have admitted to “not understanding technology,” being bored while hearing about the SOPA bill and surfing the very internet they are trying to control, and generally not understanding the internet.  You can learn about these shenanigans here, here and here.  I am merely linking these things in an effort to be unlike congress, but i have researched all of these subjects briefly enough to mimic the lackadaisical nature with which congress approaches everything other than their salaries.  Since 1990, congressional pay has increased from $98,400 to $154,700 in 2003.

Anyway, you may be asking yourself “ok fine, but why should I care about SOPA?  I only use the internet for facebook and forum trolling and youtube!”  I would then respond to yourself by saying

“Ah-ha!  I have you now!  Sites like facebook, forums, and youtube could be blocked from everyone for posting any copyrighted material.  Do you know how much copyrighted material is posted on facebook and youtube alone?”

“No…”

“Hundreds!  Thousands!  Tens of Thousands!  Millions!  There’s no way to know, but any one of these copyrighted materials could get the website shut down.  I don’t know how long, because im too lazy to find out, but i assume indefinitely.”

“Well those websites shouldn’t be posting those things anyway!  Serves them right!”

“You horrible fool!  Silence yourself before you feel the sting of my lash across your pitiful shoulders!

Recant! Recant!

These websites don’t post copyrighted material!  Users do!  You are condemning a website for something that they didn’t do but could hardly control! ”

“Oh..I see, but…”

“And woe to the user who uploads a copyrighted image!” I would shout, probably becoming quite worked up at this point.  “He would spend up to 5 years in jail for posting the image!”

“That doesn’t seem quite fair.”

“Indeed it doesn’t.  Indeed it doesn’t.  It would cripple the vibrant, lovely, terrifying, and amazing internet we have and replace it with an internet that sucks.  No more reddit, no more imgur, no more youtube and no more blogs.”

“Wait, what does this have to do with blogs?”

“Do you think I own all these pictures I post?  Of course I don’t; I just google them, you fool!  People like me would get wordpress shut down lickety-split.  Do you want that?”

“No of course not!”

“Do you want my readership, which numbers in the tens, to be so horridly deprived?”

“Never…NEVER!  But why would anyone pass a bill so dumb?”

“It’s rather simple.  It is because behind the facade of silly old people, congress is actually controlled by a master villain, the insidious raccoon.”

Pictured: Evil Mastermind Raccoon Villain

“Really?”

“No, you ape.  I just wanted a thinly veiled excuse to post this meme I made.”

“It’s rather good.”

“Uhh, duh?”

“Why are you such a jerk?”

“Because I’m angry at congress.  They suck.  Even Obi-wan Kinobi(tm) thinks so:”

Obi wan on congress

I don't own the rights to this image

I hope this post has been as informative to you as it has been to me.  I think we learned a lot here today!  And remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires!

I don't own the rights to this image.

It couldn’t stay buried forever forever forever


In lieu of posting anything new, though I am working on some stuff, I’ve decided to do my last repost from my old blog.  I wrote this in 2010 during the men’s world cup.  It was pretty much my first post like the ones I post now, with pictures and everything.  Hope you like it.

Power Leg(s)!

In anticipation of the World cup, my roommate and I have been, as we call it, practicing soccer, or, as onlookers call it, flailing about like idiots. It has been a wonderful way to spend my afternoons, apart for the swarms of gnats that seem to think my head is an all you can land buffet. It isnt. Unfortunately, I have recently come down with a self diagnosed condition I like to call “Soccer leg.” Since I am right footed, my right leg has been infused with incredible power while my left leg has resigned itself to wither away in disuse. The problems with this are twofold: firstly, my right leg is slightly larger and more buff than my left and scientists speculate that if the current trend continues my right leg will continue its unparalleled growth and, I fear, end up absorbing my left leg, much like a fratricidal twin in the womb, and I will be left with one all-powerful Gargantuleg. Secondly, as I discovered today whilst running, the extra use that has given my right leg it’s strength also weakens it after a soccer practice, and around a mile into my run I found myself with an over-exerted right leg. This was my left legs chance! It desperately wanted me to press on, but sadly for me (and for my left leg) all I could manage was a swift hobble, which is slower than a lethargic stroll. All seemed lost. It was not however a total waste, for my slowness of pace did allow me to take note of my fellow “runners” and I, like any insane person would have done, began to categorize them into several Archetypes, 5 of which i will display now.

The Running Archetypes
A study by Charles Brock
1. Fat Woman With Dog
The first person one sees on a running path is always a fat woman. With a dog. They seem to congregate around the beginning of paths and never stray father than the middle. Pink of face and heavy of step, these woman are oft found with comically large water bottles and are always in some sort of pink exercise attire, most likely bought at the same store. Why they have the dog is a mystery to me. It’s not like they are taking a stroll down MLK blvd or the DMZ between the two Koreas. What use is a dog? The dogs themselves are seldom terrifying, or even worrisome. Their stature could best be described as bite-sized. I began to think that every obese woman just naturally brought a dog everywhere they went, be it walking on a path, McDonald’s, surgery or any number of other activities. But then I became aware of some fat women heading towards me with no dogs at all. This puzzled me for quite some time, because i seemed to remember that these women used to have dogs. Where could they have gone? And then I realized that the main difference between obese women with and without dogs wasn’t something tangible, it was merely a matter of time. For you see, they headed down the trail with their furry friends in tow, yet they returned with nothing but full(er) bellies. They had been eaten!
2. The Inexplicable Children
The inexplicable children are possibly the most baffling archetype of all. They are simply kids, wandering about on the running trail for no reason whatsoever, and doing nothing apart from being bothersome. If someone tripped over a child they could seriously injure themselves! These kids are just wandering about with no supervision whatsoever, getting in everyone’s way. I mean, who fucking does that?? Who lets their kids wander around a running path by a busy road?? If I were a child molester, my job (hobby?) would have been made laughably easy by these inept parents. They would take to being kidnapped like daisies to a plucking…
Moreover, who are these children? Where did they come from? Where are their parents? Why are they galavanting about on a running path? The answer to these questions, however, lie in the same place as the answers to the questions of Lost: nowhere.
“You mean you actually watched the whole thing? LOL!”
3. Bike Guy
The second most feared archetype in the outdoor fitness world, this guy doesn’t give a damn about anyone or anything except biking and pissing people off. He will run you down as if you were the little kid in gladiator and not even think twice about it, and there is no Russel Crowe to exact revenge for you (probably). For some reason he prefers to bike on paths too narrow to pass obese walking dog ladies, or even regular runners/strollers/squirrels/anything. And yet he does pass…with a vengeance. Most often when bikes are coming up on you, you hear the clank of metal or the bike chain or something, but not when this asshole approaches. When this guy comes up on you, you’ll only know it by a whoosh of air to your left, an unexplainable bike which has just appeared 20 meters in front of you and is receding at a breakneck speed, and a vague feeling that you should be dead but have somehow narrowly avoided your fate. Since I didn’t have my scanner with me I couldn’t get an accurate reading when a bike guy passed by me today, but his power level must have been somewhere in the range of 9000!
But there was no way that could be right…
4. Out of Place Couple
Most people come outside to exercise, but not these guys. Normally a middle aged husband and wife, these people may not be burning the calories, but they like to pretend that they are. They dress up in sporting paraphernalia and have water bottles, so they areexercising, right? They often wander side to side on the path in unpredictable patterns that can be hazardous to other trail users.
5. The Silver Bullet
The most feared man in the running world, the silver bullet is indeed a force to be reckoned with. He is faster than many runners will ever be in their prime, and the dude is 90 something years old! Like the bike guy, the only thing keeping the silver bullet alive is the constant movement and endorphin rush of running, and run he does. Faster than the dreaded Cassowary, the silver bullet can even reach speeds fast enough to travel back in time! Who could make it so that you were never born. Or he could be your father. Perhaps he is everyone’s father. Who can know except for him? Some even attribute near magical powers to him, akin to the force. Be afraid.

“Skateboarding on my sidewalk, you young rascals? FEEL MY RAGE!”

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