SOPA, complete and utter nonsense.

Last night, in a fit of horrendous ennui, I began trolling the internet most voraciously.  I stumbled upon this video, which led me to this website, which led to this website, which led to this website, which finally led to this website.  Needless to say I was utterly flabbergasted!  Who’s this congress they’ve been complaining about?  What have they got to do with this guy “Bill” and is congress involved in some sort of play?  Why is there only one act?  I needed to investigate, but how?  A quick google search revealed to me that if one wants to know the definition of a word, one need only find an eldritch device called a “dictionary,” and then look up the word that is contained therein.  At last!  How was I unaware that knowledge had been so close to my fingertips all this time?  After spending an hour rummaging through our piles of books in the pantry, I stumbled across our unabridged dictionary, surrounded by crushed rodent skeletons.  Apparently in ancient times this device was used as some sort of weapon.  I quickly flipped to the C’s.

Congress, noun: a collection of old fools who, in between bouts of farting and cheating on their wives, pass unpopular legislation for no apparent reason.


Pictured: Congress

Now I was really scared.  The american people have seemingly left their lawmaking at the mercy of ignorant fools who were elected only by spending millions of dollars in campaigning, dollars that could have been used to, oh I don’t know, pay of our $15 trillion dollar debt!  Anyway, what’s even more terrifying than that is that several congress persons have admitted to “not understanding technology,” being bored while hearing about the SOPA bill and surfing the very internet they are trying to control, and generally not understanding the internet.  You can learn about these shenanigans here, here and here.  I am merely linking these things in an effort to be unlike congress, but i have researched all of these subjects briefly enough to mimic the lackadaisical nature with which congress approaches everything other than their salaries.  Since 1990, congressional pay has increased from $98,400 to $154,700 in 2003.

Anyway, you may be asking yourself “ok fine, but why should I care about SOPA?  I only use the internet for facebook and forum trolling and youtube!”  I would then respond to yourself by saying

“Ah-ha!  I have you now!  Sites like facebook, forums, and youtube could be blocked from everyone for posting any copyrighted material.  Do you know how much copyrighted material is posted on facebook and youtube alone?”


“Hundreds!  Thousands!  Tens of Thousands!  Millions!  There’s no way to know, but any one of these copyrighted materials could get the website shut down.  I don’t know how long, because im too lazy to find out, but i assume indefinitely.”

“Well those websites shouldn’t be posting those things anyway!  Serves them right!”

“You horrible fool!  Silence yourself before you feel the sting of my lash across your pitiful shoulders!

Recant! Recant!

These websites don’t post copyrighted material!  Users do!  You are condemning a website for something that they didn’t do but could hardly control! ”

“Oh..I see, but…”

“And woe to the user who uploads a copyrighted image!” I would shout, probably becoming quite worked up at this point.  “He would spend up to 5 years in jail for posting the image!”

“That doesn’t seem quite fair.”

“Indeed it doesn’t.  Indeed it doesn’t.  It would cripple the vibrant, lovely, terrifying, and amazing internet we have and replace it with an internet that sucks.  No more reddit, no more imgur, no more youtube and no more blogs.”

“Wait, what does this have to do with blogs?”

“Do you think I own all these pictures I post?  Of course I don’t; I just google them, you fool!  People like me would get wordpress shut down lickety-split.  Do you want that?”

“No of course not!”

“Do you want my readership, which numbers in the tens, to be so horridly deprived?”

“Never…NEVER!  But why would anyone pass a bill so dumb?”

“It’s rather simple.  It is because behind the facade of silly old people, congress is actually controlled by a master villain, the insidious raccoon.”

Pictured: Evil Mastermind Raccoon Villain


“No, you ape.  I just wanted a thinly veiled excuse to post this meme I made.”

“It’s rather good.”

“Uhh, duh?”

“Why are you such a jerk?”

“Because I’m angry at congress.  They suck.  Even Obi-wan Kinobi(tm) thinks so:”

Obi wan on congress

I don't own the rights to this image

I hope this post has been as informative to you as it has been to me.  I think we learned a lot here today!  And remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires!

I don't own the rights to this image.

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