Half Assed Movie Reviews: Hunger Games Catching Fire


Welcome to Half Assed Movie Reviews.  These are movie reviews written by me about a month or so after I’ve seen the movie.  Why do I do it this way?  Allow me to answer your question with another question: Try and stop me?

Can I get a sandwich or something?

The Hunger Games Part Tw0: Even Hungrier left me HUNGARY for more, so I went to BUDAPEST, but stopped off in ISTANBUL and picked up some TURKEY KEBABS, though I heard they go straight to DJIBOUTI, which I can’t believe I spelled right on my first try.

BUT HEY: HERE’S MY SHORT REVIEW:

It’s good.  Go see it.  I’d give it a B+/10, which is pretty good, all things considered.

LONGER REVIEW:

WATCH OUT, CAUSE I’M GONNA SPOIL THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

So the Hunger Games Part Two: Catching Fire is the story about two young persons, Caitlin and Peter, who live in the future in a place called district 12, which is part of a country called PANAM, which sounds like an airline.  Panam is ruled from the capitol, which is a place where people make up very uncreative names for things.

Caitlin and Peter

District 12’s main exports are poverty and sadness, so imagine everyone’s surprise in the last movie when Peter and Caitlin won the Hunger Game and didn’t die.

We start off in the woods and Caitlin is hunting with her best friend, THOR’S LITTLE BROTHER, and they talk about some stuff.  Caitlin has a flashback to the first movie and freaks out and cries a lot, thusly demonstrating that she has emotions.  Little Thor tries to comfort her, and we learn that he and Caitlin have a thing for each other.

Little Thor

Caitlin meets up with Peter and they get filmed kissing and pretending to be married.   President Donald Sutherland shows up at Caitlin’s house and warns her that she better pretend to be married to Peter or else he’s going to kill everyone everywhere.  Caitlin gets scared, revealing that she can experience emotions again.

Caitlin and Peter meet up with HERMIT, who won the hunger game a while ago and is super drunk and Woody Harrelson to boot.  They all get on a train and go and tour the districts.

Hermit.

They go to the BLACK PERSON DISTRICT, known for exporting cotton, grain, and RACIAL STEREOTYPES.

District 11. Notice the Racism.  White guards… black workers… cotton fields… hmmm.

Catilin says something stupid and some people revolt and a guy gets shot in the fucking head.

Wait, I thought this was a kid’s movie.

Oh…

Anyway, Hermit tells Caitlin to knock that shit off and just do what she’s told.  Caitlin and Peter agree and knock that shit off.

They go to the Capitol, which is like a Future Utopia full of weird hair and clothes, and meet Philip Seymour Hoffman, who spends his time designing hunger games and stealing every single scene he’s in.

They get back home and some soldiers show up.  The beat up Little Thor, and Caitlin cries a lot, demonstrating she can, like, totally feel emotions.  We learn that she loves Little Thor, and Peter loves Caitlin, and Caitlin kind of loves Peter, and Little Thor loves Caitlin, and Peter and Little Thor don’t love each other.

This is a narrative device called a LOVE TWILIGHTANGLE, and it’s very useful for getting teenage girls to buy whatever it is you’re trying to sell them.

Uh-oh!  President Doland Sutherland gets on the TV and tells everyone that the winners of the Hunger Games have to go back and do it again!  Caitlin cries a lot and Peter is sad.  Then they go to the Hunger Game to do it all over again.

Clever viewers might at this point realize that this is the same plot as the first hunger games, only slightly different, cause it’s the best of the best, sort of like when they do the same sort of thing in survivor and top chef and… oh wait… the hunger games is just like a crazy reality TV show!  Wow!

The original title for the hunger games

All the past winners are pissed they have to go back, and some alliances form.  Caitlin decides she loves peter now, because she can’t see Little Thor, and so she only wants to ally with him.  He agrees.

So yeah, Caitlin and Peter go back and train and then go to the arena, which is a big clock, and terrible things happen in each section when it’s a certain time of day.  Like killer monkeys, nerve gas, and Lightening.

They Ally with AQUA-MAN, who gets a +5 circumstance bonus to all attack rolls and damage rolls when in water.  

He also has OLD GRANDMA as an ally, who gets a -10 circumstance bonus on everything, because she’s so old she can’t even talk.  Don’t worry, she dies pretty early on, so there’s no need to get too attached to her.

So Peter and Caitlin and Aquaman meet up with Science Man, Axe Lady, and ANNOYING AS FUCK LADY, who is really annoying.  ANNOYING AS FUCK LADY keeps singing hickory dickory dock, until Caitlin figures out that the arena is a clock, and then ANNOYING AS FUCK LADY keeps singing it over and over until some kin hearted individual slits her god damn throat and shuts her up.  Forever.

I applauded.  No one else did.  It was awkward.

Anyway, Science Man figures out how to blow up the Arena.  Caitlin is still suspicious of them all, but goes along for the ride.  Then, for no reason, she thinks they are betraying her, and tries to kill them all, until Aqua-Man get’s her to stop.  Caitlin blows up the arena and electrocutes herself by using Science man’s spear, and a spaceship saves her.

We find out that Philip Seymour Hoffman was a good guy the whole time and that this was all rigged and all of the districts are rising up against the capitol.  Caitlin finds out Peter has been kidnapped by Donald Sutherland, and then cries a lot.

The END

ANALYSIS:

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is, at it’s most basic form, a critique against feminism.  Men always tell Caitlin what to do, and then she ignores them, and then people die or suffer because of it.  We see it again and again.  President Donald Sutherland tells her to tow the line, and then she doesn’t, and then that old guy gets shot.

HERMIT tells her to trust his buddies, and she doesn’t and Peter and Axe Lady get captured because of her stupidity.  There are other countless examples.  If she would have actually married Peter and let him make all her decisions, no one would have died.

Furthermore, THGCF examines racial stereotypes and then reinforces them by having all of the black people work in cotton fields.

One wonders why the hunger games movie series are so popular while having all of these negative messages.  I heard they’ve even hired an author to make them into books!

This world is a strange place, my friends.

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Disney’s next five animated movies


Dear readers!

Remarkable!  Absolutely remarkable!  The researchers at the Miskatonic University and I have uncovered yet another post from Peter’s Awesome blog!  I’m here to share it with you now but if you’re unfamiliar with peter, you may want to read this post first, he can be a bit abrasive at times.  – The Corngoblin

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PETER'S AWESOME BLOG 2

Well, Disney is at it again folks.  They are currently making another blockbuster animated feature, the likes of which we’ve never, ever seen before.  If difficult to track genius, but I think we may be able to do it with disney.  Let’s give it a try.  THERE MAY BE A PATTERN TO THEIR FILMS.

First we had CARS, a movie about CARS.  These CARS were pretty much people, but instead of PEOPLE, they were CARS.  This movie was done with pixar, I assume only to learn the secret of how pixar makes such awesome movies.  CARS was commercially successful, especially in the toy CAR(S) department.  Merchandising for CARS was huge.  Why?  Because it’s easy to make toys based off of cartoon CARS.  In fact, that was probably the whole reason behind making CARS.  Disney can sell CARS to little kids, or rather, to their parents. It’s a wonder disney hasn’t gone for the jugular and made a movie about TOYS.

toy story

CARS is described by the acclaimed critic wikipedia as a “computer-animated comedy-adventure sports film,” which is pretty much every genre a kids movie can be, squeezed into one.  CARS centers around a car, named “STEVE McQUEEN,” who wants to win races, but ends up in BUMFUCK NOWHERE and learns that there’s more to life than racing, even though he’s a race car.  This is pretty much the plot of EVERY DISNEY PIXAR MOVIE EVER.  Something is something, but it learns at the end that it wants to be something else, EVEN THOUGH IT’S PERFECTLY DESIGNED FOR DOING THE FIRST THING IT WAS MADE TO DO.  IDIOTIC.  CARS plot is about as stupid as the idea of making a movie about CARS, but hey, at least they didn’t do it a second time.

After CARS came CARS 2, GODDAMNIT.  It was EXACTLY THE SAME AS CARS, except it was called CARS 2.  CARS 2 is a “computer-animated action comedy spy film,” centered around a THRILLING PLOT of introducing MORE CARS DISNEY CAN SELL TO LITTLE KIDS, and by that i mean THEIR PARENTS.  The plot is about oil reserves and cars WHO ARE SPIES and is JUST AS RETARDED AS CARS.  IT’S SO DUMB THAT IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.  THEY’RE CARS, NOT SPIES, YOU IDIOTS AT DISNEY.

Anyway, we can already see a pattern developing.  Disney takes a THING, and pretends it’s a PERSON, and then makes a movie about it.  It isn’t any more imaginative than looking around your room, finding an object, and using a recycled plot from an old disney film, but changing al the people into that object.  I wonder what there next movie is going to be.

for fuck's sake

for fuck’s sake

Oh great.  It’s a movie about PLANES CALLED PLANES.  Disney is flying solo on this one, it seems they learned the pixar pattern well.  The people who name movies at disney are so imaginative.  Remember when that movie LIONS came out?

lions

The timeless A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS?

A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS

Or what about that classic, CHINESE PEOPLE?

CHINESE PEOPLESee?  I could name movies for Disney too.

Anyway.  Planes is probably going to be just as asinine as CARS and CARS 2 (why didn’t they just name it MORE CARS?).  I bet it’s going to be about an airplane who doesn’t want to do whatever he was designed to do.  Just you wait.

In honor of PLANES coming out, I’m going to give disney advice for it’s next 5 movies.  They should be as follows:

teeth movie

band-aids

wheelchairs

colored condoms - farbige kondome

viruses

These all look better than planes.

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