Machete Kills


Half-Assed Reviews Presents:

machete-kills-poster

Machete Kills

Machete kills is the second part of the epic three part biopic of Danny Trejo’s life.  Danny Trejo is Machete, a man who can only express love through murder, and let me tell you, he’s got a whole lot of love.

HERE’S MY SHORT REVIEW:

It’s not good.  Don’t go see it.  C-/10.

BUT WAIT: If you can get it for free by either netflix or *cough cough* other means, it’s totally worth watching, but I wouldn’t recommend spending your money on it.  You worked for your money man.  Show yourself some respect, like by purchasing the new Triple Steak Stack from Taco Bell.  Triple Steak: Triple Flavor.

Taco Bell, Live Mas.

Live Mas

SO. MUCH. FLAVOR

Machete kills suffers because, honestly, it’s a great idea for a movie trailer, but that’s all it is: a movie trailer stretched out to 107 goddamn minutes.

Go ahead and watch that 50 times.  It’s just like watching the actual film.

NOW CHECK THESE SPOILERS

Machete-Kills-logo

Machete kills starts off with Machete in the desert or something.  Oh wait, he and Jessica Alba are on a mission, and then some masked dude who totally isn’t mel gibson shoots jessica alba with a laser gun.

Machete gets kidnapped by some white people who try to hang him, but it’s impossible to hang Danny Trejo, so he lives long enough to get called by The President who tells who to go kill some terrorist in mexico who has a missile that’s pointed straight at washington.

Machete goes to a whore house run by BIG MACHINE GUN BOOBS

MACHETE KILLS

Big machine gun boobs tries to kill him for like no reason, and so machete dips out with her daughter, who is the terrorist’s paramour.  They meet up with the terrorist, who kills the daughter and is like LOL cause he has a split personality, half crazy, half not crazy.  Unfortunately, this whole movie is fucking crazy, so you can’t really tell when the terrorist is crazy or normal.

Meanwhile we’re introduced to the Chameleon, who is an assassin, and goes after Machete.  He at first is the guy from Justified, but then turns into the second worst career decision Cuba Gooding Jr. ever made.

MC2-DF-06187.CR2

At least it isn’t Snow Dogs…

Oh god...

Oh god…

So yeah, Machete learns that the terrorist has a bomb on his heart and if he dies then the missile will fire, so Machete has to bring him across the border to Mel Gibson, who we have totally yet to meet and who can  defuse the bomb.

Big machine gun boobs, the chameleon, and literally everyone else in mexico chases Machete, but Machete beats them all and they get across the border.  Then mel gibson shows up and kills the terrorist an kidnaps machete.

We learn that mel gibson was hanging out in space and then something weird happened and he can predict the future.  He wants to blow up the world and rebuild it, cause that’s a good idea.

Oh, and the Chameleon is Lady GaGa now.

hr_Machete_Kills_lady_gaga

 

Oh, wait, I mean at this point the Chameleon has turned into Antonio Banderas

Machete Kills trailer 7

I swear I’m not making any of this up.

Anyway, Mel Gibson wants Machete to clone him, but Machete don’t clone, and so he escapes and meets up with TOUGH EYEPATCH GIRL, and they gather all the mexicans and attack Mel Gibson.

Tough Girl

Tough Girl

Mel gibson kidnaps Tough Girl and flies up into space, thusly setting up the movie MACHETE KILLS, IN SPACE.

Honestly, I’m not making any of this up.

ANALYSIS: Machete kills is all about the immigration problem in the united states, specifically how Mexican Immigrants are taking the jobs that other Americans see as rightfully theirs.  Mel Gibson represents american industry, which is defeated by Machete’s ragtag band of Mexican immigrants.  The president even outsources killing a mexican terrorist to a Mexican, thus showing our government’s inability to tackle the problem

Tune in tomorrow kids for: THOR, THE DARK PLACE

 

 

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Dear god, another one!


Well, dear and gentle readers, I must, first and foremost, apologize for not having posted anything in the past 3 or so months.  I was going to apologize for not having written anything, but as the most devout of you are surely aware, I am in a graduate screenwriting program, and have therefore written quite a few things, just not blog things.

I was doing pretty well with blog posts until we hit the production cycle last semester, which is when in a few short weeks every student directs his or her own movie, and also does every other film set position on other people’s movies.  It’s sort of like undercover bosses, except that all the people you may have pissed off while you were the boss know exactly who you are, and their turn is coming up soon.

The most exciting thing that happened to me during this whole period happened on the first day, when, in a dusty and dank warehouse, I dropped a $60,000 lens onto the cold, hard floor.  The concrete welcomed it greedily, and everyone else, the whole film crew and actors, watched it in slow motion as it tumbled from my clumsy paws.  There was really nothing I could do; my arms wouldn’t react fast enough.  It’s ironic, I thought, that the thing you are most often warned about not dropping is more often than not the thing that you drop.

And warned we had been.  Every class, every day, to hold the lens securely, and cradle it, much like one would baby Jesus, unless you were a Satanist or something, and make sure the party you are passing it too has secure hold of it before you release your grip.  This point was stressed again and again.

I honestly have no clue how I dropped it, I just sort of fumbled it.  One moment it was in my hands, and the next moment I was curly from the three stooges, clawing desperately at a 35mm lens that had seemed to have turned into a Mexican jumping bean, and refused to stay locked in my grasp.

As fate would have it, the trajectory at which I had launched my expensive missile led it to strike my friend Joel’s hip, and somehow, magically somehow, roll down his leg, like a wheel going down a hill, have a soft landing on his shoe, and then roll across the floor, where my friend John snatched it up before it could crash into a wall and shatter completely.

The room was dead silent.

“Gosh” was all I could manage to say.  The director nodded in agreement.  Gosh indeed.  As it turns out, the lens was somehow completely fine, a godsend, and I was merely charged a fee for having someone look at it, which I’m not entirely sure I ever actually got charged.

I was so warn out come winter break that writing was the farthest thing from my mind, and then, in Januare, I loaded up on an airplane and flew across the northern Atlantic to make my new home, at least for the next three months, in old London town.

It’s part of the writing program.  We get sent over here to work with British playwrights and other British people.  It’s supposed to help our writing, but it’s really been is an absolutely lovely way to write one’s first complete screen play, in a fabulous city, steeped in history and time, and rich in culture.

London, I’ve come to find, is nearly the antithesis of Tallahassee.  It feels safe where Tallahassee feel like there is death lurking around every corner.  It is clean, where Tallahassee is covered in litter.   It is classy, where as Tallahassee is full of bros.  Not that I don’t like Tallahassee.  Quite the contrary, it’s a fun place.  I just wouldn’t want to live there after I finished the program, but I wouldn’t mind living in London, even during the bitterly cold winter.

What’s gotten me back into blogging, you ask?  Well, the answer is twofold.  To put it simply, the first reason is that I’m supposed to be doing something else right now, yet another outline for my screenplay, but I’m meeting with my professor later to work out some kinks.  The kinks are only at the end, but it’s still an excellent excuse to not work on it.

The second reason is that the estimable Reverend Mother has nominated me for the Versatile blogger award, my third award if were counting, and we are, and I couldn’t bring myself to not write a lovely thank you.

So, thanks for the award.

Ok, so I’m reading this list of things I need to do in order to receive this award.  15 people.  I need to nominate 15 other people for the award…

1. http://seedofbilly.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/weekly-poem-2/#comment-51

2. http://stvaltheeccentric.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/still-writing/comment-page-1/#comment-12

3. http://vincentmars.com/

4. http://ahouseandagarden.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/oh-my-word-many-words/#comment-1472

5. http://narrellemharris.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/it-means-what-it-is/#comment-1727

6. http://ramblingsfromamum.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/five-sentence-fiction-challenge-empty/comment-page-1/#comment-6574

7. http://writenaked.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/5-ways-to-make-money-writing-as-you-travel/#comment-547

8. http://screenwrites.wordpress.com/

9. http://bonesmurphy.wordpress.com/

10. http://gameoverbooks.wordpress.com/

11. http://alyssalyssa.wordpress.com/

12. http://observingvessel.wordpress.com/

13. http://clareodea.wordpress.com/

14.http://markbirch33.wordpress.com/

15. http://kamikazehermit.wordpress.com/

Dear me that took a long time.  Now I have to write 7 facts about myself.

1. One time, upon leaving my house, I witnessed a possum eating another possum; on my very doorstep no less!  It’s one of those images you can’t ever unsee, and it haunts my dreams to this day.

2. I’m living in london right now.  The weathers been quite bad the past week, but it seems to be getting better.  I might even go to the farmer’s market!

3.I quite enjoy tea and coffee, but here in englan i’ve somehow been drinking more tea than coffee, I guess because it’s cheaper and easier.  It’ll be nice to get back to florida where coffee is a plentiful as fire ants and the rain.

4. I had never seen Tarentino’s from dusk till dawn until this weekend.  It’s quite good.  You should wach it.

5. I’m an aspiring screenwriter and I care more about sports than the academy awards.  Is that bad?

6. I fought a grizzly bear to the death one time.  With a knife.  I won’t say it was easy, but I’m still here.

7.I know how to sail a sailboat.

Cool, there we go! Thanks gain, http://lifeaswedontyetknowit.wordpress.com/ for the award!

Job and the Burger


Here’s a scene that I wrote for my screenwriting class.  The prompt was that we needed to write a scene that reveals the flaw in the main character.  It could be no longer than 3 pages and had to have dialogue.  Can you guess who my protagonist is and what is his flaw?

(Note: the formatting is less than desirable here.  The first two caps (A BURGER and A MAN) are scene introductions.  The rest are dialogue, which i have painstakingly formated in the center.)

JOB AND THE BURGER

———————————-

A BURGER
…Sits on a food tray. There are some fries and a drink next to it.

A MAN
…Glares at the burger on the counter of the fast food restaurant, incredulous. The fools! 34 years old, JOB is a nuclear bomb, anger barely contained by the paper thin veil of society, ready to go of at any moment.

JOB
What’s this?

BRITTANY, 19, looks up from filing her nails. For Brittany, life is perpetually dull, and each day always proves more boring than the last.

BRITTANY
You’re food, sir.

Job continues to glare at the burger, like it had just slapped him. He lifts up the bun. Lettuce. Lettuce.

JOB
This isn’t what I ordered.

BRITTANY
You asked for lettuce.

Job screws up his face, and forces the red back down.

JOB
No, I didn’t. I hate lettuce. I asked for a burger without lettuce.

Brittany rolls her eyes and dramatically punches some keys on her computer like she was playing whack-a-mole. She turns her screen around so Job can see.

BRITTANY
One burger. Ketchup, tomato, cheese. With lettuce.

Brittany goes back to filing her nails. Job stares at the screen.

JOB
Can you just make me another one?

Brittany pauses her filing.

BRITTANY
No.

Job’s hands begin to shake visibly. He breathes deeply. It isn’t working. A man behind Job taps him on the shoulder. Job turns to see fat, middle aged man with his equally fat family standing behind him.

MAN
Sir, just take your damn burger. We’re hungry too.

Job roars like a lion. He grabs the food tray and smashes it on the counter, fries flying like shrapnel from an IED.
He lifts the tray up and smashes the man in the side of his face. The man goes down among the raining fries.

The man’s family cries in fright and his wife tries to tend to him.

Job throws the tray like a frisbee and pegs the man at the drive-through window in the back of the head.

JOB
BULLSHIT! I DIDN’T WANT LETTUCE!

Job pulls a revolver from a pocket inside his jacket and fires a round into the air. The bullet strikes the ceiling and chalky dust covers Job’s face, making him even more terrifying.

The other patrons make a mad dash for the exits. Job hears them running and spins around. He does his best to point his gun at all of the dozen patrons.

JOB (CONT’D)
NOBODY’S LEAVING. IM GONNA GET MY BURGER, AND WE’RE ALL GONNA SIT DOWN AND HAVE A NICE FUCKING MEAL. YOU GOT THAT

Job points his gun at a frightened, college aged woman by the door.  Not so fast!

JOB (CONT’D)
YOU GOT THAT?

WOMAN
Y-y-y-yes?

JOB
GOOD!

Job spins back around to Brittany, who has dropped her nail file and is staring at Job like a deer in headlights. This is the best day of her life.

BRITTANY
Ok. Ok! Here!

She reaches behind her and grabs a new burger. She opens it up and removes the lettuce, and then hands it to Job.
Job puts it back on the tray.

JOB
SOME FRIES TOO!

Brittany gives him some fries. Job glances quickly between his food and Brittany, and then nods.
He holds the food to his chest like a bag of money from a bank heist, and slowly backs away, randomly pointing his gun at people behind the counter.

JOB (CONT’D)
Good, thank you. Good.

Job sits down at a table and places his food in front of him. Everyone is eyeing him nervously.

JOB (CONT’D)
It’s ok. We’ll all be alright. Sit down and eat. I got my burger.

Everyone hesitantly sits down and eats. Job smiles happily at his food and takes a bite. We can hear sirens in the distance, steadily approaching, like a distant storm.

The Detective: A Short made in 48 hours


In case you haven’t read my post the red carpet, I was recently in a 48 hour film competition, in which we had 48 hours to write, film and edit a short film. Here’s our entry.

The Wizard -or- I haven’t posted in a while. Deal with it.


Read the title.  It’s difficult to find time during college to write things on the blog, especially with me working on several screenplays and a novel.  So in the effort of posting something, here’s a short scene i wrote for one of my film school applications.  I couldn’t figure out how to get it to keep it’s proper format, so I just copy and pasted the whole damn thing.  Enjoy, or else!

The Wizard 

By 

William Charles Brock

————————-

INT. MAGIC SHOP

The shop has many old wooden tables and bookcases, crammed

full of all sorts of magical ledgers, tomes and instruments.

A man sits behind a counter, reading a People magazine. He

is dressed in some tattered old wizard robes and has a

damaged wizard hat on his head. The hat has large, faded

silver stars clumsily patched on.

The door opens, ringing an antique bell placed over it as a

man walks in. He is holding a wand and looks very

angry. He approaches the counter purposefully, as if he has

been there before. The wizard continues to read his

magazine.

MAN

Ahem.

The wizard continues reading his magazine, oblivious to the

man standing in front of him. The man glares at the wizard

for a moment, and then furiously rings a bell on the

counter. The wizard jumps in terror, throwing his magazine

into the air.

WIZARD

Yes?

MAN

I would like to return this magic

wand. It doesn’t work.

The wizard takes the wand in his hand and looks it over. Be

bends it a few times.

WIZARD

Seems fine to me

MAN

You said I could use it to turn my

boss into a toad.

WIZARD

Yes. Thats right.

MAN

Well it doesn’t work.

WIZARD

Did you use it as instructed?

MAN

Yes!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

WIZARD

Did you wait until the moon was

full?

MAN

Yes!

WIZARD

Did you get close to the spell

recipient? You have to be very

close, you know.

MAN

Yes! I was practically right up

against him! I’m telling you, the

wand doesn’t work!

WIZARD

You do know you have to aim for the

head, yes?

MAN

Of course! You told me so

yourself! I aimed at his head and

swung the wand furiously, shouting

the magic words…

WIZARD

Which are?

MAN

Take that you bastard!

The wizard nods sagely at this as the man continues.

MAN

All that I managed to do was

savagely beat him to death with

this ordinary bit of wood!

The man angrily brandishes the wand.

WIZARD

Well that settles it then. The wand

is working fine

MAN

Fine? Fine? I killed a man! He’s

dead!

WIZARD

Yes, but didnt you want your boss

turned into the toad because you

wanted his job?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

MAN

Yes… but

WIZARD

And are you not now the new head of

the research department?

MAN

Well, yes…

The wizard smiles and his eyes twinkle knowingly as he

slowly nods.

MAN

Dear God…

The wizard sits back down and returns to his magazine.

MAN

Well I’d still like my money

back. The wand didn’t work as

advertised.

WIZARD

(not looking up)

I would think that a man who had just commited murder and

had hitherto escaped the authorities has far more pressing

matters to deal with than a silly malfuntioning wand…

The man pulls on his collar nerviously.

MAN

Ah…I see. Well then… Good day,

sir.

The wizard clears his throat and points at a jar labeled

“tips.” The man grudgingly deposits the entire contents of

his wallet into the jar.

WIZARD

Quite kind of you. Good day.

MAN

Yes, good day.

MAN exits

FADE OUT

And the sky shall bleed planking


Sorry for not having been on for a while, not that i actually have any dedicated readers….

anyway, here is n awesome video my friends and i made

If you don’t know what planking is, here you go http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lying_down_game#Planking

BOTched


Every year at my school there is a competition called the 48 hour film festival.  In this competition, the participants are given a picture to build a movie around.  The catch is that it has to be filmed and edited in 48 hours, from friday at 5pm to sunday at 5pm.  They have a screening the friday afterwards to announce the winner.  My group won for the second year in a row.  Here is our film.  Keep in mind this was done in 48 hours and i hope you enjoy!

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