Disney’s next five animated movies


Dear readers!

Remarkable!  Absolutely remarkable!  The researchers at the Miskatonic University and I have uncovered yet another post from Peter’s Awesome blog!  I’m here to share it with you now but if you’re unfamiliar with peter, you may want to read this post first, he can be a bit abrasive at times.  – The Corngoblin

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PETER'S AWESOME BLOG 2

Well, Disney is at it again folks.  They are currently making another blockbuster animated feature, the likes of which we’ve never, ever seen before.  If difficult to track genius, but I think we may be able to do it with disney.  Let’s give it a try.  THERE MAY BE A PATTERN TO THEIR FILMS.

First we had CARS, a movie about CARS.  These CARS were pretty much people, but instead of PEOPLE, they were CARS.  This movie was done with pixar, I assume only to learn the secret of how pixar makes such awesome movies.  CARS was commercially successful, especially in the toy CAR(S) department.  Merchandising for CARS was huge.  Why?  Because it’s easy to make toys based off of cartoon CARS.  In fact, that was probably the whole reason behind making CARS.  Disney can sell CARS to little kids, or rather, to their parents. It’s a wonder disney hasn’t gone for the jugular and made a movie about TOYS.

toy story

CARS is described by the acclaimed critic wikipedia as a “computer-animated comedy-adventure sports film,” which is pretty much every genre a kids movie can be, squeezed into one.  CARS centers around a car, named “STEVE McQUEEN,” who wants to win races, but ends up in BUMFUCK NOWHERE and learns that there’s more to life than racing, even though he’s a race car.  This is pretty much the plot of EVERY DISNEY PIXAR MOVIE EVER.  Something is something, but it learns at the end that it wants to be something else, EVEN THOUGH IT’S PERFECTLY DESIGNED FOR DOING THE FIRST THING IT WAS MADE TO DO.  IDIOTIC.  CARS plot is about as stupid as the idea of making a movie about CARS, but hey, at least they didn’t do it a second time.

After CARS came CARS 2, GODDAMNIT.  It was EXACTLY THE SAME AS CARS, except it was called CARS 2.  CARS 2 is a “computer-animated action comedy spy film,” centered around a THRILLING PLOT of introducing MORE CARS DISNEY CAN SELL TO LITTLE KIDS, and by that i mean THEIR PARENTS.  The plot is about oil reserves and cars WHO ARE SPIES and is JUST AS RETARDED AS CARS.  IT’S SO DUMB THAT IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.  THEY’RE CARS, NOT SPIES, YOU IDIOTS AT DISNEY.

Anyway, we can already see a pattern developing.  Disney takes a THING, and pretends it’s a PERSON, and then makes a movie about it.  It isn’t any more imaginative than looking around your room, finding an object, and using a recycled plot from an old disney film, but changing al the people into that object.  I wonder what there next movie is going to be.

for fuck's sake

for fuck’s sake

Oh great.  It’s a movie about PLANES CALLED PLANES.  Disney is flying solo on this one, it seems they learned the pixar pattern well.  The people who name movies at disney are so imaginative.  Remember when that movie LIONS came out?

lions

The timeless A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS?

A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS

Or what about that classic, CHINESE PEOPLE?

CHINESE PEOPLESee?  I could name movies for Disney too.

Anyway.  Planes is probably going to be just as asinine as CARS and CARS 2 (why didn’t they just name it MORE CARS?).  I bet it’s going to be about an airplane who doesn’t want to do whatever he was designed to do.  Just you wait.

In honor of PLANES coming out, I’m going to give disney advice for it’s next 5 movies.  They should be as follows:

teeth movie

band-aids

wheelchairs

colored condoms - farbige kondome

viruses

These all look better than planes.

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Idiots and Fools


If you are anything like me you like Football, and if you are anything like football you hate n00bs.  And if there is one thing facebook and even the internet in general whole have, it’s n00bs who run their mouth about things they don’t understand.  And they will pay for their misdeeds in time.  All in good time.

HA HA HA HA HA HAHAAHAHAHAHA!

And so we come to the Patriots and Broncos’ game last night.  Tim Tebow and the Broncos rode into Foxborough Stadium on a wave of Tebowmania so large that they almost washed away most of southeastern Massachusetts.  They felt like this was destiny, like Tebow was some sort of football moses leading the hitherto pitiful Broncos to a superbowl-tastic promised land of milk and honey, or beer and chicken wings, as it were.  In keeping with the metaphor Tebow moses would have to come against Pharaoh Tom Brady in an epic battle, except this time Pharaoh wins.

"Nice try Tebow Moses, now BACK TO FUCKING WORK!"

Since the broncos were fully routed, I can only assume that they have been put to work making Foxborough even more awesome, not dissimilar to what the ancient egyptian slaves of old did to the pyramids, but that’s not the point of this article.  The point is the response of the internet sports community after the game.  11 hours ago, espn posted a status update about the game.  It said

“Tom Brady has finally landed.

His performance tonight was ________.”

Facebook users were supposed to post intelligent or witty comments about how they thought his (Brady’s) performance was.  This didn’t happen.  It rarely happens with these sorts of things.  Here’s some examples of why the human race is doomed.  The first response I read was

1. HUNTER: “I’m a steelers fan and we beat the patriots and we won the most super bowls in the NFL and we got beat by the broncos but we don’t need to go to the super bowl 2 times in 2 years”  Hunter obviously was unable to acquire the ability to read to read as a child, and never picked it up throughout his adult life either.  His comment has absolutely nothing to do with the prompt.  He must have failed the writing section of the SAT’s really fucking hard.  I mean, he couldn’t read, but if he ever figured out what the prompt was he probably just wrote about the Steelers anyway, because who wouldn’t want to read that?  The internet is chalk full of people like this, who respond to something with something completely unrelated.  Here’s a picture of what hunter probably looks like.

Derrrrrrrp

2. John: “Impresive but not goingto last.”  John thinks the patriots are not going to last, much like John’s middle school spelling and grammar lessons.  He bases this on absolutely nothing, because he is most likely a poorly trained orangutan imitating a sports analyst.  Here’s what John probably looks like.

"Thems broncos ams gonna beet thems pats on staturdaiy by thiiiiiiiiiis much!"

3. Domenic: “overrated and without class – should have stopped throwing the ball once the game was clearly decided.”  Ok, Domenic, time to learn you a lesson.  You do realize that the broncos are the comeback kings of the NFL, right.  Do You also realize that everyone, and I mean everyone, in the NFL is really good at football?  It’s why they get paid so much money to play it, because they are awesome at it.  Therefore it is possible that a team can come back from a huge deficit and win.  Now, let’s remember that Tebow has been on fire and scored massive amounts of points, 20 to be precise, against the steelers in just one quarter, and that the steelers were supposed to win that one too.  What would you do if you were the Patriots?  Back off after you get a lead?  Run a lot and risk your players getting injured?  Let’s not forget that the Broncos were playing the dirty the whole game: starting fights and punching Patriots’ players when the refs weren’t looking.  If you disagree go and watch a game recap.  It’s very obvious and blatant.  The sad thing is there was probably even more stuff the broncos were doing that the cameras didn’t catch.  If you have the lead, you shouldn’t give it up.  This is probably what Domenic looks like.

We as americans need to help the disadvantaged teams in the NFL. We need to take a stand a say that it's not ok for 1% of the teams to hold 99% of the points!

4. Justin: “Brady is overrated and let’s see how good the pats will be we he retires.”  Let’s hope this guy was drunk when he wrote this, because it makes no sense.  If Brady was overrated, then the Patriots would be as good if not better than they are now if he retired.  So which is it, justin?  Here’s what justin looks like.

Yo dawg my name is either scumbag steve or it is!

Lastly, there were many people claiming that the Patriots cheated by hiring Josh McDaniels, denvers head coach from over a year ago, as their offensive coordinator, saying that they knew the denver playbook because of that.  Hmmm… let’s think about this: If denver fired their headcoach and then didn’t change the playbook at all for a whole year, don’t you think they deserve to lose?  How stupid would you have to be if your head coach went to a different team, the rams, and became their offensive coordinator and you didn’t think to change the playbook?  Its not like Bellichick and the coaching staff didn’t have access to all of the footage of last year’s Broncos anyway… O WAIT THEY DID.  As one of my friends said, it would be different if the Patriots were playing the rams when they acquired McDaniels, but they’re not.

In closing, people online are just a bunch of stupids.

I already done told you once, BACK TO FUCKING WORK!.

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