A Golden Age is Dawning


Some of you, my dear readers, may have noticed a sudden resurgence of interest in blogging on wcbrock.wordpress.com.  Some of you may have not, but that’s ok, I don’t blame you, I blame your lack of perceptiveness.  Before the tabloids begin to have a field day, let me lay to rest once and for all the rumors that have been floating around of the coming of a golden age here on wcbrock.wordpress.com.  You might want to put on your safety goggles, because I’m about to blow your mind.  If you don’t know how to put on goggles, the doctor is here to demonstrate:

See? It as easy as pronouncing Raxacoricofallapatorius!

IT’S ALL TRUE.  ALL OF IT.

We are entering a golden age here at wcbrock.wordpress.com, or at least that’s what the experts at MIT and Cambridge think, and who am I to argue with experts?  Four posts in just as many days is no coincidence, they say.  It is in fact classic evidence of a golden age, just like the one in Greece that one time!  In honor of this auspicious happening I am now going to assemble list of some of my favorite things.  It won’t be a complete list mind you, but I’m planning on updating it regularly.  Oh, and if you’ve found your way here because I liked or commented one of your posts, I’d like you to know that yes I did in fact read it.  It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.  So, if you agree with what I say, feel free to comment.  If you disagree, feel even more free to comment.  If you don’t care, feel even more even more free to comment.  And lastly, if you TL;DR, then you can just go back to your troll cave sir, and cry yourself to sleep as you are want to do.

My Favorite Movie

If you argue, then I have just one thing to say to you: Ni!

I lik funny things, and lads who work at conrgoblin.wordpress.com and I agree that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is about the funniest damn thing we have ever seen.  Not convinced this is a great movie?  Oh, ok.  Maybe rotten tomatoes can convince you.  A 95%?  Even Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked didn’t get a 95%, and some kid at the mall told me that movie was “fucking awesome, bro!”  Every scene in this movie is hilarious, and could be a skit in its own right, but the movie doesn’t feel like it’s a bunch of skits loosely strung together, it feels like a real movie.  And I think that’s the true beauty of the film.  It was made with no budget, and never takes itself seriously.  I even went to an interview for the writing program at the Florida State Film School and said that Monty Python and the Holy Grail was my favorite movie at all time.  They laughed.  One of them went so far as to say “bold!” while shaking her head.  They didn’t let me in, but I’m sure it had more to do with the absolute state of bowl releasing terror i was in during the interview than Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  And even if it was the movie’s fault, who cares?  It’s only a flesh wound!

My Favorite TV Show

Ok, first off, let me say this was a hard one.  I really, really, really like arrested development.  But there’s one thing about Futurama that makes it my favorite show: the writers can write whatever the fuck they want.  There is literally nothing holding them back.  Futurama is set in a crazy magically advanced future world with no rules.  It’s beautiful.  Wanna assassinate Hitler?  No problem, time machine.  Want to have celebrity appearance?  All of their heads are preserved in a museum.  Want to do anything else?  Time travel, infinite planets, extra dimensions; they have it all.  It’s like going to a cafeteria salad bar only to find out that the shitty lettuce has been replaced with every beer on the planet.  And its all free.  That’s Futurama.  Deal with it.

deal with it

Favorite Soda

It’s got 23 flavors.  I mean, come on!  Nothing has 23 flavors.

Favorite Toaster

 toaster that makes eggs

This one.  You can cook eggs and toast stuff at the same time!  What’s not to like?  You know, unless you are allergic to eggs or something.  Can you be allergic to toast?

Favorite Historical Thing That Can Also be a Halloween Costume

Vikings are as awesome as Pirates, and they have a crazy awesome battle religion to boot.  Plus, everyone dresses up as pirates.  Hardly anyone dresses up as vikings.  It’s probably because they’re scared to.

Favorite Element

Not only is francium all the way down on the bottom of the table of elements, but it’s also the most unstable naturally occurring element.  This means that if vikings were an element, they would be francium.  Vikings conquered parts of France(ium) didn’t they?  Answer: yes, yes they did.  My logic is irrefutable.

Favorite Medieval Torture Device

The Iron Maiden.  It’s also one of my favorite bands.

Favorite Fantasy Race

goblin

Goblins, duh.  Have you not read my blogs name?

Hopefully this list sparked some interest.  What are your favorite things in these categories?  Comment your answers, and we can argue and ruin each others day.  It’ll be just like the league of legends forums.  Dr. Who knows what I’m talking about.

dr who yell

A completely Unbiased and Wholly Accurate List of the Best Super Heroes Ever


There’s a whole lot of “lists” floating around the “internet” rating “stuff” like the best superheroes.  Take IGN’s list.  It’s pretty complete, granted, but very innacurate.  Superman as number one?  I’ve always thought superman was the most boring super hero ever made.  Here’s a quick summary of every superman story ever:

  1. Something bad happens
  2. Superman, who is pretty much god, flies over and almost saves the day
  3. Uh-oh!  Kryptonite shows up!
  4. Superman somehow defeats the bad guys and the Kryptonite

That’s why super man is boring.  He’s too strong for any sort of interesting conflict.  Therefore, I made my my own Completely Unbiased and Wholly Accurate Best Super Heroes Ever List! to show IGN how it should be done.  These heroes have character depth.  These heroes have weaknesses. All of these following individuals are completely 100% guaranteed superheroes and completely 100% guaranteed awesome.

Batman

POW!!! BLAMO!!!! KER-SMACK!!!!!

Batman is the exact opposite of superman.  Superman has all the powers, Batman has gadgets/no powers.  Superman has to work for a living, Batman doesn’t.  Kryptonite crushes Superman, Batman eats it for breakfast like a delicious bowl of frosted wheaties.  Batman, incase you are the same person I talked about last post who didn’t know anything about harry potter, is the sexy millionaire playboy super hero detective sleuth that everyone loves.  Here’s a mathematical equation to express batman:  this

Playboy? Check. Rich? Check

Plus this:

Bat? Check

Divided by the square root of this:

Insane actor?  CHEEEEEECK!!!!!!!!!!!

Equals Sparta.  See?  Great ingredients, great hero.  Oh, and his weakness?  Weapons.  And dying.

Frodo Baggins

Hey! It's my blog. I can put whoever I fucking want on the list

What’s that?  You trolls are saying that Frodo isn’t a super hero?  That he doesn’t have any super powers?  Oh ok.  Why don’t I just bring the one ring over to your cave and have you carry it to Mt. Doom and not get corrupted by it’s evil powers until almost the very end?

The ring of power

Deal with it.

What about the power to be really wimpy and whine alot?  That’s what I thought.  Frodo saved all of Middle Earth and therefore many, many not real people got to live out their not real lives to a ripe, not real old age.  He also inadvertently murdered millions of innocent, stinky, not real, stinky orcs! (Skip to 4:43 and you will see what i mean.  The earth just swallows them up!)  This guys a class act, and he’s only like 3 feet tall so it took him like twice as long to get into Mordor as it would a normal person.  Still not convinced?  Well, let me hit you with some logicknowledge!  The green lantern is a super hero because he has a magical artifact that gives him special abilities and uses these abilities to battle evil.  Frodo has several magical artifacts that give him several special abilities, like his glowing sword, magic troll proof armor and that bottle thing that lights up that the crazy elf lady gave him.

Yeah! That's the one!

Oh, and his weakness?  Like almost everything.  Including Lembas Bread.

Harry Potter

Looks like he's lost some weight...

Talkin bout tormented past?  This dude got it.  Talkin bout magical powers?  You better not piss him off, or prepare to be inflated like a fat british balloon, bitch.  Talkin about horrifying scar?  Check the lightning bolt, homes.  Talkin about shaft?  Yeah, I can dig it.  This dude has it all: sidekicks, secret powers and an awesome nemesis: He Who Must Not Be Named.  Voldemort.  Voldemort is scary because he looks like a snake demon without a nose and is played by Ralph Fiennes, who is a scary dude.  And yet harry defeats him in almost every single book.  Harry also has only seven books written about him, but somehow 8 movies.  If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what magic is.

Weaknesses?  Gingers.  And asian chicks.

Thor

I mean... look at this guy! He probably murders woodland creatures in his spare time, because he can.

Pop quiz: What’s cooler than vikings?  Answer: Not much.  Which viking god is the most awesome/powerful/badass out of all of them?  Answer: Thor.  Thor is what harry potter would be if Daniel Radcliffe showed up the the set of Deathly Hallows Part 2 completely drunk from a night in the mead hall, swinging a fucking magical warhammer and downing buckets full of steroids.

Speaking of Harry Potter, Thor would have taken like two seconds to kill Voldemort.  Priori Incantatum?  Try yourfacey hammershamshum!   If the Council of the Ring had asked Thor to carry the ring to Mt.Doom, Thor would have just laughed derisively and smashed it’s atoms apart with one swing of his hammer.  And then killed the whole council because he can.

"Oh shit! Thor's coming? Let's fuckin' book!"

Weaknesses?  Pissing off his dad and getting grounded.  That’s pretty much it, but it lends itself to more interesting stories than Kryptonite.

Super King

Bite his super metal ass!

Superking has all the powers of a king, plus the powers of superman.  Also, he’s a robot.  Super king first appeared in the Futurama season 4 episode “Less Than Hero” as part of the super group “The New Justice Team.”  He is super strong and his arms can extend and retract at will.  Jealous, Ron Weasly?

ron weasly broken wand

"My arms don't extend! And me wand broke!"

DEAL WITH IT.  Weaknesses?  Rust.

Gumby

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"

If the world were to end in a horrible nuclear destruction fiesta of doom, three things would survive: cockroaches, twinkies and fuckin Gumby.  Gumby is the nigh indestructible guy gal eunuch monster from The Gumby Show.  Gumby is super stretchy.  I mean super stretchy.  Gumby could stretch you into oblivion if he so desired.  And he does.  Gumby famously battles the blockheads, and always wins because of his unnatural stretchiness.  But as Peter Parker’s soon to be dead uncle, Yoda, once said “With great stretchiness comes great responsibility!”  Gumby, realizing this, became a hero instead of the stretchy death machine he could have so easily become..  But those eyes.  Those red eyes

dark eyes

And remeber: Gumby's watching you...

Weaknesses?  I think he’s made of clay… so water, I guess.  Oh, and probably acid.

GET SWOLL MOTHERF*****


Since camp ended a long, long week ago, I have become somewhat of a lay-about and a wastrel, doing nothing apart from endlessly watching Futurama, pwning in Black Ops and perfomring frenzied bouts of studying for the GRE.  Oh, and going to the gym.

I go to the gym by means of my free trial card that was acquired in a shady place by even shadier methods.

It looked something like this

I’ll head once again to University in 2 weeks and I didn’t see any point in purchasing a membership, so I just “found” one.  You’d be suprised to learn how often things that one wants just “turn up” when one is sufficiently threatening in dark alleys.  Almost all the time, as it turns out.

Anyway, this gym is called “lifestyle,” a name that I loath.  It’s one of those feel good names that implies that merely going here will change your life for the better.  This gym isn’t just a building with stuff in it!  It’s a way of life.  And that’s exactly how it behaves on the inside too.  The lifestyle logo is plastered everywhere one can look, and fit and smiling employees are always walking around in their red polos trying to be so damn helpful.  It’s depressing.  They even have their own T.V. channel which plays upbeat music videos and gives needlessly vague advice on exercising like “lift weights to build muscle,” or “running on a treadmill burns fat!”  All it needs is Ben Stiller glaring menacingly down at you, pointing and shouting like in Globo Gym from dodgeball.

Nice work, fatty!

Despite the fancy interior and happy trainers, Lifestyle is plagued by one of the biggest problems in the gym world: naked old men lounging about provocatively in the men’s locker room.  Whether they have just taken a shower and are catching their breath until the put their clothes on or they just enjoy being naked is unclear.  What is clear is that they are indeed quite naked, and they are just daring you to look.  I don’t know if old women do this, but I certainly hope not.  The minute you walk in you are assaulted by the combined force of 20 hateful, naked stares as all the old guys in the room simultaneously turn and glare at you.  Gymnasium literally means “the place of most nakedness,” after all.

BEHOLD MY NAKEDNESS!!

“Go ahead.” They seem to say.  “Look at us.  Look at us and witness your doom.”  And much like a train wreck, it is impossible to not look.  It just happens.  Today, I went into the locker room to deposit my bag of stuff in my favorite locker (it’s number 133, which is most of the word 1337).  I had just placed my bag inside and shut the locker door when BOOM!  Naked old guy.  He was standing just behind the spot where the now shut locker door was.  I jumped back with a start, half from fear and half from astonishment.

“Dear god!  But… but you weren’t there 8 seconds ago when I opened the door!”

“Indeed,” he said mischievously as he put his hands on his hips.  “Indeed I wasn’t.”

“Ah”, I said, which came out more as a strangled yelp as the old guy advanced a step and I slowly backed toward the exit.  “Well done then.  I mean, that was quite fast for someone your… uhh… age.  I doubt even Usain Bolt could have snuck up on me that fast.  HAHA!  Erm…. must be going now… uh… bye.”  I sprinted to the door and collided with another old guy who was just entering.  He was clothed.  For the moment, at least.

“Oh, sorry.” I said as I helped him up.

“Has it started yet?” he asked hopefully.

“Has… what?”

“The nakedness, you damn fool!  Has it started?”

“Um… yes… just in there.  If you would excuse me…” I said as I sidled around him and then dashed to the elliptical.  The last thing i heard from him was a disturbing cackle and the closing of a door.

The Elliptical is one of my favorite cardio machines ever.  Most other cardio machines are designed to remind me how out of shape I have become.  On the treadmill I struggle to keep up with the floor that is always moving slightly too fast under me.  On stationary bikes i struggle to keep my RPM’s higher than my age.  On the Elliptical, I am a GOD.  I simply crush calories on it, and without even breaking much of a sweat!

“I can’t believe this is exercising,” I always say to people who happen to be in earshot.  “See those poor chaps on the treadmills?  Bet they can’t even breathe right now, where as I, if I so wished, could be reading a book!  Or even yodeling!  This is just brilliant!”  They always nod and smile awkwardly and then search the room for a machine not in the immediate area of me.  But I don’t care.  At least I’m not actually running.

Ellipticals, ive been told, were invented in the 90’s so people with bad joints could still “run.”  I’ve often thought that Ellipticals should have been invented with a scoreboard, like in arcade games.  They were invented in the 90’s after all.  Other stuff in the gym should have high scores too.  I think this would give gamers and their ilk much more reason to work out if they could win at it.

Congratulations! You win at the bench press!

“You see that bench there?” they could ask their friends.  “I got a 126560 on it once.  Beat that!”

And, when you really get down to it, isn’t that what they gym is about anyway?  Well, that and avoiding naked old guys in the locker room…

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