Disney’s next five animated movies


Dear readers!

Remarkable!  Absolutely remarkable!  The researchers at the Miskatonic University and I have uncovered yet another post from Peter’s Awesome blog!  I’m here to share it with you now but if you’re unfamiliar with peter, you may want to read this post first, he can be a bit abrasive at times.  – The Corngoblin

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PETER'S AWESOME BLOG 2

Well, Disney is at it again folks.  They are currently making another blockbuster animated feature, the likes of which we’ve never, ever seen before.  If difficult to track genius, but I think we may be able to do it with disney.  Let’s give it a try.  THERE MAY BE A PATTERN TO THEIR FILMS.

First we had CARS, a movie about CARS.  These CARS were pretty much people, but instead of PEOPLE, they were CARS.  This movie was done with pixar, I assume only to learn the secret of how pixar makes such awesome movies.  CARS was commercially successful, especially in the toy CAR(S) department.  Merchandising for CARS was huge.  Why?  Because it’s easy to make toys based off of cartoon CARS.  In fact, that was probably the whole reason behind making CARS.  Disney can sell CARS to little kids, or rather, to their parents. It’s a wonder disney hasn’t gone for the jugular and made a movie about TOYS.

toy story

CARS is described by the acclaimed critic wikipedia as a “computer-animated comedy-adventure sports film,” which is pretty much every genre a kids movie can be, squeezed into one.  CARS centers around a car, named “STEVE McQUEEN,” who wants to win races, but ends up in BUMFUCK NOWHERE and learns that there’s more to life than racing, even though he’s a race car.  This is pretty much the plot of EVERY DISNEY PIXAR MOVIE EVER.  Something is something, but it learns at the end that it wants to be something else, EVEN THOUGH IT’S PERFECTLY DESIGNED FOR DOING THE FIRST THING IT WAS MADE TO DO.  IDIOTIC.  CARS plot is about as stupid as the idea of making a movie about CARS, but hey, at least they didn’t do it a second time.

After CARS came CARS 2, GODDAMNIT.  It was EXACTLY THE SAME AS CARS, except it was called CARS 2.  CARS 2 is a “computer-animated action comedy spy film,” centered around a THRILLING PLOT of introducing MORE CARS DISNEY CAN SELL TO LITTLE KIDS, and by that i mean THEIR PARENTS.  The plot is about oil reserves and cars WHO ARE SPIES and is JUST AS RETARDED AS CARS.  IT’S SO DUMB THAT IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.  THEY’RE CARS, NOT SPIES, YOU IDIOTS AT DISNEY.

Anyway, we can already see a pattern developing.  Disney takes a THING, and pretends it’s a PERSON, and then makes a movie about it.  It isn’t any more imaginative than looking around your room, finding an object, and using a recycled plot from an old disney film, but changing al the people into that object.  I wonder what there next movie is going to be.

for fuck's sake

for fuck’s sake

Oh great.  It’s a movie about PLANES CALLED PLANES.  Disney is flying solo on this one, it seems they learned the pixar pattern well.  The people who name movies at disney are so imaginative.  Remember when that movie LIONS came out?

lions

The timeless A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS?

A GIRL AND SEVEN MIDGETS

Or what about that classic, CHINESE PEOPLE?

CHINESE PEOPLESee?  I could name movies for Disney too.

Anyway.  Planes is probably going to be just as asinine as CARS and CARS 2 (why didn’t they just name it MORE CARS?).  I bet it’s going to be about an airplane who doesn’t want to do whatever he was designed to do.  Just you wait.

In honor of PLANES coming out, I’m going to give disney advice for it’s next 5 movies.  They should be as follows:

teeth movie

band-aids

wheelchairs

colored condoms - farbige kondome

viruses

These all look better than planes.

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How to Get 3 Million Blog Views


Dear readers,

I’ve recently been working with a team of researchers from Miskatonic University, whose main goal is the delve into the lost recesses of cyber space and uncover long forgotten blog posts from blogs that, for one reason or another, came offline.  We’ve made some astounding discoveries.  This following piece is a prime example of some of the lost treasures we’ve found.

-The Corngoblin

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3 MILLION VIEWS

3 MILLION VIEWS

Hi guys!  In case you’re new here, my name’s Peter, and I’ve got 3 MILLION VIEWS, and I’d like to show you how you can too.  You guys are obviously familiar with my work since, you know, you’re on the internet, so here we go!

HOW TO GET 3 MILLION VIEWS

I go on a lot of people’s blogs, normally just to post a spam comment so they come look at mine, sure, but it still counts, and there’s one thing I always notice.

They Aint Got 3 million views

Some barely have 1,000!  PATHETIC.  That got me to thinking, why does a famous, successful blogger like myself have so many views?  I mean, so many.  Is it fair that some bloggers get all the views, while other bloggers are relegated to the blogging slums, flighting each other for 10 views a day?  The short answer:

YES, IT TOTALLY IS

It’s called natural selection, or selective blogging, or maybe even blogctual naslection.  Survival of the fittest, and as anyone in the blogosphere could tell you, I’m the fittest, because baby, I’m survivaling.  I feel bad for those pathetic bloggers who don’t have any views, so I’ve decided to take the time out of my busy blogdule (blog-schedule LOL) to try and help those poor unfortunate souls.  First off, if you don’t have many views, then

YOU’RE PROBABLY A BAD WRITER: No offense, but you should just quit.  You’re wasting everyone’s time and taking valuable views away from people like me, who want to get 3 million more.  3 MILLION.

But for those ouf us who are good:

THERE’S HOPE

Follow this list and you too will get…

THREE!  MILLION!

THREE! MILLION!

  1. USE PICTURES: They say a picture is worth 1000 words.  I say a picture is worth:

THREEMILLION
VIEWS

The Joker and I have one similarity: He likes bullets and gasoline, and I like pictures.  What’s the similarity you ask?

joker cheap

Free, even.  So use pictures.  Not only do they get traffic back from google image searches, but they LOOK PRETTY AND ARE FUN TO LOOK AT.

2.GO CLICK LIKE ON OTHER PEOPLE’S BLOGS: They’ll come look back at yours.  Who cares if they don’t read?  It’s not reading you’re going for, its views.  You don’t even have to read they’re posts, just click “like”…

big jerk

3. WRITE SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL OR OFFENSIVE, YOU IDIOT: If you make people mad, they’ll comment about how stupid you are, and tell their friends to come look at your stupid blog.  Everyone will hate you, but WHO CARES?  It’s the VIEWS.  For instance, did I tell you that Harry Potter is a STUPID IDIOT, and his books are so bad, I have no idea why he wrote them?  And that Lost is the worst thing to be on TV since they showed those videos of that school bus falling off a bridge?  LOL  And Reddit is for stupid fools that don’t know how to use 9gag.  And wordpress?  Don’t get me started on wordpress.  MYSPACE4LIFE, GEOCITES BITCH.

4. ENCOURAGE VIEWER FEEDBACK: Talk to people if they comment on your post.  IT’S ONLY POLITE.

5. DON’T WRITE BAD POSTS: If you write something that’s BAD, then people won’t want to read it.  So don’t write anything that’s bad. I know it comes easy for amazing bloggers like me, but that’s cause im a flippin GENIUS.

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After careful research, it was discovered that Peter had been slain, stabbed 30 times with a long knife at a meeting he had arranged for fans of his blogs.  Strangely, there were no witnesses, and none of the 30 fans who had shown up were called in for questioning.  Another internet mystery.

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