A completely Unbiased and Wholly Accurate List of the Best Super Heroes Ever


There’s a whole lot of “lists” floating around the “internet” rating “stuff” like the best superheroes.  Take IGN’s list.  It’s pretty complete, granted, but very innacurate.  Superman as number one?  I’ve always thought superman was the most boring super hero ever made.  Here’s a quick summary of every superman story ever:

  1. Something bad happens
  2. Superman, who is pretty much god, flies over and almost saves the day
  3. Uh-oh!  Kryptonite shows up!
  4. Superman somehow defeats the bad guys and the Kryptonite

That’s why super man is boring.  He’s too strong for any sort of interesting conflict.  Therefore, I made my my own Completely Unbiased and Wholly Accurate Best Super Heroes Ever List! to show IGN how it should be done.  These heroes have character depth.  These heroes have weaknesses. All of these following individuals are completely 100% guaranteed superheroes and completely 100% guaranteed awesome.

Batman

POW!!! BLAMO!!!! KER-SMACK!!!!!

Batman is the exact opposite of superman.  Superman has all the powers, Batman has gadgets/no powers.  Superman has to work for a living, Batman doesn’t.  Kryptonite crushes Superman, Batman eats it for breakfast like a delicious bowl of frosted wheaties.  Batman, incase you are the same person I talked about last post who didn’t know anything about harry potter, is the sexy millionaire playboy super hero detective sleuth that everyone loves.  Here’s a mathematical equation to express batman:  this

Playboy? Check. Rich? Check

Plus this:

Bat? Check

Divided by the square root of this:

Insane actor?  CHEEEEEECK!!!!!!!!!!!

Equals Sparta.  See?  Great ingredients, great hero.  Oh, and his weakness?  Weapons.  And dying.

Frodo Baggins

Hey! It's my blog. I can put whoever I fucking want on the list

What’s that?  You trolls are saying that Frodo isn’t a super hero?  That he doesn’t have any super powers?  Oh ok.  Why don’t I just bring the one ring over to your cave and have you carry it to Mt. Doom and not get corrupted by it’s evil powers until almost the very end?

The ring of power

Deal with it.

What about the power to be really wimpy and whine alot?  That’s what I thought.  Frodo saved all of Middle Earth and therefore many, many not real people got to live out their not real lives to a ripe, not real old age.  He also inadvertently murdered millions of innocent, stinky, not real, stinky orcs! (Skip to 4:43 and you will see what i mean.  The earth just swallows them up!)  This guys a class act, and he’s only like 3 feet tall so it took him like twice as long to get into Mordor as it would a normal person.  Still not convinced?  Well, let me hit you with some logicknowledge!  The green lantern is a super hero because he has a magical artifact that gives him special abilities and uses these abilities to battle evil.  Frodo has several magical artifacts that give him several special abilities, like his glowing sword, magic troll proof armor and that bottle thing that lights up that the crazy elf lady gave him.

Yeah! That's the one!

Oh, and his weakness?  Like almost everything.  Including Lembas Bread.

Harry Potter

Looks like he's lost some weight...

Talkin bout tormented past?  This dude got it.  Talkin bout magical powers?  You better not piss him off, or prepare to be inflated like a fat british balloon, bitch.  Talkin about horrifying scar?  Check the lightning bolt, homes.  Talkin about shaft?  Yeah, I can dig it.  This dude has it all: sidekicks, secret powers and an awesome nemesis: He Who Must Not Be Named.  Voldemort.  Voldemort is scary because he looks like a snake demon without a nose and is played by Ralph Fiennes, who is a scary dude.  And yet harry defeats him in almost every single book.  Harry also has only seven books written about him, but somehow 8 movies.  If that isn’t magic, I don’t know what magic is.

Weaknesses?  Gingers.  And asian chicks.

Thor

I mean... look at this guy! He probably murders woodland creatures in his spare time, because he can.

Pop quiz: What’s cooler than vikings?  Answer: Not much.  Which viking god is the most awesome/powerful/badass out of all of them?  Answer: Thor.  Thor is what harry potter would be if Daniel Radcliffe showed up the the set of Deathly Hallows Part 2 completely drunk from a night in the mead hall, swinging a fucking magical warhammer and downing buckets full of steroids.

Speaking of Harry Potter, Thor would have taken like two seconds to kill Voldemort.  Priori Incantatum?  Try yourfacey hammershamshum!   If the Council of the Ring had asked Thor to carry the ring to Mt.Doom, Thor would have just laughed derisively and smashed it’s atoms apart with one swing of his hammer.  And then killed the whole council because he can.

"Oh shit! Thor's coming? Let's fuckin' book!"

Weaknesses?  Pissing off his dad and getting grounded.  That’s pretty much it, but it lends itself to more interesting stories than Kryptonite.

Super King

Bite his super metal ass!

Superking has all the powers of a king, plus the powers of superman.  Also, he’s a robot.  Super king first appeared in the Futurama season 4 episode “Less Than Hero” as part of the super group “The New Justice Team.”  He is super strong and his arms can extend and retract at will.  Jealous, Ron Weasly?

ron weasly broken wand

"My arms don't extend! And me wand broke!"

DEAL WITH IT.  Weaknesses?  Rust.

Gumby

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"

If the world were to end in a horrible nuclear destruction fiesta of doom, three things would survive: cockroaches, twinkies and fuckin Gumby.  Gumby is the nigh indestructible guy gal eunuch monster from The Gumby Show.  Gumby is super stretchy.  I mean super stretchy.  Gumby could stretch you into oblivion if he so desired.  And he does.  Gumby famously battles the blockheads, and always wins because of his unnatural stretchiness.  But as Peter Parker’s soon to be dead uncle, Yoda, once said “With great stretchiness comes great responsibility!”  Gumby, realizing this, became a hero instead of the stretchy death machine he could have so easily become..  But those eyes.  Those red eyes

dark eyes

And remeber: Gumby's watching you...

Weaknesses?  I think he’s made of clay… so water, I guess.  Oh, and probably acid.

Put those cookies down, Dora!


Well, its almost time for spring break and as everyone knows, the best thing to do during spring break is to sit on a beach and READ!!!  But since I’ve read all of the harry potter books like 5 times already reading has become boring and so I have taken it upon myself to go on a crusade to rekindle the long dormant spark of reading in the youth of America.

READ DAMN IT!! REEEAAAD!!!!

So I asked myself, what do people want?  People want what they can’t have.  What cant children have?  Violence, because it isnt allowed.  What do people like?  TV.   What do children want?  Violent TV.  Just look at DBZ or Power Rangers or 24 or something.  All of them are TV shows for children and all of them are super violent and/or awesome.  What is the most awesome/violent thing ever?  Arnold Schwarzeneggar!  I had inadvertently stumbled upon the perfect formula for the most winningst show EVER.  Just take any old kid’s TV show, and put Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the main character!

My first target: Dora The Explora.  Not only does Dora’s poor title pronunciation (it’s supposed to rhyme with her name) anger my spleen, but her swarthy latin charm makes her immensely popular with millions of younglings.

Bender

Pictured: Swarthy Latin Charm

*************

SCRIPT:

ARNOLD THE EXPLARNOLD: STAR MOUNTAIN

Scene opens with Arnold  a monkey wearing boots, named Boots, standing infront of some illustrated foliage on a road apparently made of sand.

Arnold: Hallo, ich bin Arnold!

Boots: And im Boots!

Arnold (glaring angrily at boots momentarily before looking at the camera): I just got a present from my grandma.  Do you like presents?

Glares at camera for a second, as if waiting for someone to respand

Arnold (angry): I SAID DO YOU LIKE PRESENTS??????

Pulls a package out from behind him and opens it.  It is a really girly necklace.

Arnold: GNAAAAAH!  Grandma, what the hell???

Hurls necklace onto the top of a nearby mountain with a giant star on the top of it, creatively named star mountain.  Suddenly a hissing sound is heard

Boots: Oh no arnold, it sounds like swiper!  (Turning to camera) That sneaky fox will steal anything!  If you see swiper, say swiper!

Goofy music plays as swiper, a masked fox, appears from behind a bush, rustling the leaves.

Arnold: NYAAAAAHHH!!!!

Hurls a machete at swiper, which connects and pins him to a tree

Arnold (coyly): Stick around.

Swiper (bleeding): You’re too late!  You’ll never find your necklace now.  You should just give up, right?

Arnold reches behind his back and pulls out a grenade launcher.  He levels the weapon at swiper

Arnold (deadpan): Wrong.

Arnold fires.  The explosion is quite large and destroys most of the foliage.  Boots is flung back several feet and knocked of his…boots…

A slightly burnt piece f paper floats down on top of boots.  Boots examines it.

Boots (awestruck): Arnold, it’s a letter from your grandma!  She says that since she forgot your birthday for the past 30 years, she sent you her necklace worth $350,000!!!

Arnold falls to his knees and shakes his fists at the sky.

Arnold (enraged): NYAAAAAH!  I really love that necklace!

Boots (hopeful): Dont worry arnold, we’ll get your necklace back!  Right?

Arnold (pulling the machete from the tree): Wrong.

Cuts Boots in half.  Turns and looks at the camera.

Arnold: You will help me, wont you children?

Waits.

Arnold: FINE!!! I AM BETTER ON MY OWN ANYWAY!!!!1111!!1!11!

Arnold heads up the path towards star mountain.  Ahead is a giant star archway.

Arnold: Now children, when we reach the star portal, the star explorers will come out and ask us why we have come.  We will set a trap for them.  Can you say plastic explosive?

Arnold scatters blocks of c4 around the area, and then enters the archway. Immediatly a brilliant stream of colorful and goofy looking stars fly towards him and circle around the immediate area.  One nerdy looking star approaches arnold.

Richter: Hello fellow explorer!  My names Richter, the seismologist star!  Youre just in time for the annual Star Party!  Great timing!  Could I see your invitation?

Arnold, who had pulled out a cigarette case during this conversation, causually lifts the case as if it were a detonator.

Arnold: Sure, here’s my invitation.

Presses a secret button on the container.  C4 erupts all around him, destroying all of the stars and wounding Richter, who flies off to the top of the mountain, screaming

Arnold: See you at the party, Richter.  Now, kinder, we need to figure out how to get up this mountain.  What do we have that gives us directions?

Waits

Arnold: IT’S THE MAP YOU IDIOTS!  SAY IT NOW!  MAP MAP MAP!!!!  SAY IT!  SAY IT NOW!

A map with a face and stuff appears out of nowhere and begins to sing

Map (singing): Im a map im a map im a….

Arnold: SHUT UP!  How do I get up star mountain ?

Map (terrified): You…you just follow the path.  Boots should know… where’s boots?

Arnold: He had to split.

Arnold crumples up the map and shoves it into his pocket.  He marches down the path, kicking  cute little star rocks out of the way and crushing a happy looking grasshopper that started to sing as he passed.  He quickly reaches an area completely covered with fog.

Arnold: GNYAAAAAHHH!!!  How can I see with this fog blocking my path??!?!?!?

A star flies in and swirls around in the air, eventually producing a fan.  It’s Helpy, the tool star!  Arnold shoots it and takes the fan

Arnold: Thanks.

Arnold blows the fog away and continues on the path.  He eventually makes it to the top of star mountain, where it appears that a party was hastily cancelled.  Cakes and banners litter the floor.  There is no one around.  Suddenly swiper appears with a bandaged abdomen, flying through the air on a snow board.  He is headed straight for the necklace!!!!

Swiper: Nyaah Nyaah Nyaah!  The necklace is mine.

Arnold quickly pulls out a stinger missile launcher and locks on to swiper.

Arnold: You’re fired.

Fires the missile as swiper reaches the top of the star, where the necklace is lodged.  Swiper explodes into 1000 pieces as the necklace flies through the air, landing perfectly in arnold’s open palm.

Arnold: He got so worked up about swiping that necklace…he fell to pieces!

Fin

********

Tht script got me so pumped that I drop kicked some kid who came into the gym when i finished it!

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