Can you hear the cries of the children?


I have landed a summer job at a summer camp this summer.  I wont say which camp however (I wouldn’t want to make an assassin’s job too easy).


Anyway, the more and more I work at camps, the more and more I come to understand how insufferably stupid children are.  Especially first and second graders.  I am fully convinced that if murderers were stalking the halls of the camp and the children were ordered to remain silent lest our hiding places were discovered, the kids in my group could last at best 100 seconds before a cacophony of fart noises and giggles brought the killers running into our carefully concealed sub basement and we were promptly slaughtered.

Firstly, leading kids in a group larger that two is akin to herding cats.  As soon as you look away from one, he finds something interesting on the wall and stops moving to stare intently at it for just enough time so that when he finally realizes that he has not been in line the group is no where to be found.  An example: I for one find little interest in normal, every day leaves.  If i happened to see a leaf with red barbs that dripped acid/poison and growled whenever you walked near, then sure, maybe i would give it a second glance.  To the eyes of child however, every leaf is a gateway into the magical land of leaf-narnia, and must be closely scrutinized for hours on end.

Everything else ever is also equally as interesting.  Mulch?  WOW!  I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE!  A bottle cap?  WOAH!  WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM???? A dirty old sock?  FUCK!  THIS SHIT IS JUST INSANE!!!!  To make a long story short, children cant do anything that takes more than 6 seconds of concentration.


Secondly, I have come to believe that 93% percent of children are only able to get attention at home by force.  They either cry whenever ANYTHING goes wrong or they are just bad kids and do things purposefully to piss me off.  I don’t even know how many times i have told this one kid to not run ahead of the group, and yet he does it every time.  Oh, and we cant forget the tattle-tale kids who narc on everyone always, even if they were the instigators of the situation.  I call these kids tattle demons.  They’re are many varities of tattle-demons.  The most clever ones carefully plant the seed of a wrongful act in another campers mind, most likely via inception, and then wait an hour or so for the camper to perpetrate the unauthorized act.  He then can claim he had nothing to do with whatever happened, since it was so long ago and no one saw it.  This kids just suck and are total assholes.

Thirdly, most kids lose everything always.  I am always impressed to discover that a camper has wandered off without noticing he has no shoes on or he has forgotten to grab his lunch when i SAID GRAB YOUR LUNCH 30 FUCKING TIMES AND I GRABBED HIS SHOULDER AND SAID “LOOK INTO MY EYES TIMMY AND SEE THE SUFFERING THAT AWAITS YOU WHEN YOU FORGET YOUR LUNCH BOX AGAIN”  Children are even quick to forget punishments.  Today a camper threw a tennis ball over the fence after i had repeatedly warned him against the folly of such an act.  After he did it anyway i was forced to prevent him from playing gaga later in the day.  When the time for Gaga arrived, little timmy jumped into the arena and began to play.  I however had other plans.

“Timmy” i called across the room, “you have lost your privilege to play, and must sit out this game.  Your atrocities cannot go unpunished.”

“What did i do?” shouted the ever defiant Timmy.


Timmy, realizing i had his number, angrily takes a seat as i turn to the rest of the kids in my group.

“LOOK!” i shouted to them, pointing at Timmy.  “LOOK UPON TIMMY AND SEE THE FATE OF THOSE WHO DISOBEY!!! LOOK UPON HIM AND TREMBLE!!!”  The children quaked in fear as my maniacal laugh swept across the gaga dome like a terrible wind of doom.  10 seconds later everyone was playing gaga, completely ignorant of the chastising they had received, and Timmy went in the next round and all was forgotten.

In short, kids are dumb.  Given the choice, i would almost pick cat herding over camp.  Almost

Weekly Guest Blogger of the Month

First off, i would like to let you all know that for 3 days in a row my blog had exactly 7 views.  Ideally, I would want this number to be increased by about 500,000 daily, but in folklore and myth the seventh son of a seventh son is a wizard.  I think this augurs great things for my future posts.  For instance, the day right after those 3 days of seven views had 16 views.

Speaking of views, ive subscribed to some other blogs and constantly wonder how big their audience is.  It cant be much bigger than mine

Pictured: My audience

But the way most bloggers talk, it sounds like everyone in the world is reading what they write about.  They have “guest bloggers” which are exactly what they sound like.  Guest blogging is an insidiously brilliant way to get more people to read your page.  For instance, say there is someone who has a dedicated following of thousands of readers.  I could get this person to guest blog on my page and siphon ALL of his or her viewers, at-least for a one day, skyrocketing my blog into superstardom.  Therefore, i would like you to welcome my guest blogger of the month: Cardinal Salvatore Bruchetti, the 124th Vatican Warlock Assassin Commander.

Note:  If you are not familar with Charlie sheen, just watch 


The Cardinal

There has been alot of talk in the news lately about “assassins” and “warlocks” and “vatican” and i decided to guest post on this fantastic blog to clear the air; it’s all true. Since the great rift war of the mid 7th century the vatican defense council has kept a reserve unit of vatican warlock assassins in order to find and close any rifts to other dimensions that open from time to time.  Before I continue I would like to point that  ALL of these vatican warlock assassins are unpaid volunteers.  They dont see a dime for their noble sacrifices so please, show them some respect.

VWA’s are highly trained, super powerful win-o-mancers who are learned in the thaumaturgical arts of victory.  Training typically lasts anywhere from 10-20 years before a VWA is able to effectively combat rift demons and close the tears in space time that such creatures create.  If just ONE rift demon was loosed upon the world, the consquences would NEVER BE THE SAME.  Ever heard of a thing called armageddon?  Thats NOTHING compared to the power of a single rift demon.  Fortunately, we have VWA’s to combat these horrible evils.

A typical rift demon uttering his terrifying challenge.

Yes, Charlie Sheen is a VWA, the most decorated one in our long history.  Please show him some respect fort the good work that he does.

Pictured: Winning

And incase you people thing it is “funny” or “cool” or “lulz” to make fun of Charlie, let me tell you that he is literally addicted to winning.  If he doesnt win at everything always, he goes through horrible withdrawals that cripple his warlock powers for hours on end.  WE CANT AFFORD THIS. If Charlie isn’t leading around his band of VWA’s (called a troupe) the world might very well end.  So please, lay off Charlie sheen, the future depends on it.

Peace be with you

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