Put those cookies down, Dora!


Well, its almost time for spring break and as everyone knows, the best thing to do during spring break is to sit on a beach and READ!!!  But since I’ve read all of the harry potter books like 5 times already reading has become boring and so I have taken it upon myself to go on a crusade to rekindle the long dormant spark of reading in the youth of America.

READ DAMN IT!! REEEAAAD!!!!

So I asked myself, what do people want?  People want what they can’t have.  What cant children have?  Violence, because it isnt allowed.  What do people like?  TV.   What do children want?  Violent TV.  Just look at DBZ or Power Rangers or 24 or something.  All of them are TV shows for children and all of them are super violent and/or awesome.  What is the most awesome/violent thing ever?  Arnold Schwarzeneggar!  I had inadvertently stumbled upon the perfect formula for the most winningst show EVER.  Just take any old kid’s TV show, and put Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the main character!

My first target: Dora The Explora.  Not only does Dora’s poor title pronunciation (it’s supposed to rhyme with her name) anger my spleen, but her swarthy latin charm makes her immensely popular with millions of younglings.

Bender

Pictured: Swarthy Latin Charm

*************

SCRIPT:

ARNOLD THE EXPLARNOLD: STAR MOUNTAIN

Scene opens with Arnold  a monkey wearing boots, named Boots, standing infront of some illustrated foliage on a road apparently made of sand.

Arnold: Hallo, ich bin Arnold!

Boots: And im Boots!

Arnold (glaring angrily at boots momentarily before looking at the camera): I just got a present from my grandma.  Do you like presents?

Glares at camera for a second, as if waiting for someone to respand

Arnold (angry): I SAID DO YOU LIKE PRESENTS??????

Pulls a package out from behind him and opens it.  It is a really girly necklace.

Arnold: GNAAAAAH!  Grandma, what the hell???

Hurls necklace onto the top of a nearby mountain with a giant star on the top of it, creatively named star mountain.  Suddenly a hissing sound is heard

Boots: Oh no arnold, it sounds like swiper!  (Turning to camera) That sneaky fox will steal anything!  If you see swiper, say swiper!

Goofy music plays as swiper, a masked fox, appears from behind a bush, rustling the leaves.

Arnold: NYAAAAAHHH!!!!

Hurls a machete at swiper, which connects and pins him to a tree

Arnold (coyly): Stick around.

Swiper (bleeding): You’re too late!  You’ll never find your necklace now.  You should just give up, right?

Arnold reches behind his back and pulls out a grenade launcher.  He levels the weapon at swiper

Arnold (deadpan): Wrong.

Arnold fires.  The explosion is quite large and destroys most of the foliage.  Boots is flung back several feet and knocked of his…boots…

A slightly burnt piece f paper floats down on top of boots.  Boots examines it.

Boots (awestruck): Arnold, it’s a letter from your grandma!  She says that since she forgot your birthday for the past 30 years, she sent you her necklace worth $350,000!!!

Arnold falls to his knees and shakes his fists at the sky.

Arnold (enraged): NYAAAAAH!  I really love that necklace!

Boots (hopeful): Dont worry arnold, we’ll get your necklace back!  Right?

Arnold (pulling the machete from the tree): Wrong.

Cuts Boots in half.  Turns and looks at the camera.

Arnold: You will help me, wont you children?

Waits.

Arnold: FINE!!! I AM BETTER ON MY OWN ANYWAY!!!!1111!!1!11!

Arnold heads up the path towards star mountain.  Ahead is a giant star archway.

Arnold: Now children, when we reach the star portal, the star explorers will come out and ask us why we have come.  We will set a trap for them.  Can you say plastic explosive?

Arnold scatters blocks of c4 around the area, and then enters the archway. Immediatly a brilliant stream of colorful and goofy looking stars fly towards him and circle around the immediate area.  One nerdy looking star approaches arnold.

Richter: Hello fellow explorer!  My names Richter, the seismologist star!  Youre just in time for the annual Star Party!  Great timing!  Could I see your invitation?

Arnold, who had pulled out a cigarette case during this conversation, causually lifts the case as if it were a detonator.

Arnold: Sure, here’s my invitation.

Presses a secret button on the container.  C4 erupts all around him, destroying all of the stars and wounding Richter, who flies off to the top of the mountain, screaming

Arnold: See you at the party, Richter.  Now, kinder, we need to figure out how to get up this mountain.  What do we have that gives us directions?

Waits

Arnold: IT’S THE MAP YOU IDIOTS!  SAY IT NOW!  MAP MAP MAP!!!!  SAY IT!  SAY IT NOW!

A map with a face and stuff appears out of nowhere and begins to sing

Map (singing): Im a map im a map im a….

Arnold: SHUT UP!  How do I get up star mountain ?

Map (terrified): You…you just follow the path.  Boots should know… where’s boots?

Arnold: He had to split.

Arnold crumples up the map and shoves it into his pocket.  He marches down the path, kicking  cute little star rocks out of the way and crushing a happy looking grasshopper that started to sing as he passed.  He quickly reaches an area completely covered with fog.

Arnold: GNYAAAAAHHH!!!  How can I see with this fog blocking my path??!?!?!?

A star flies in and swirls around in the air, eventually producing a fan.  It’s Helpy, the tool star!  Arnold shoots it and takes the fan

Arnold: Thanks.

Arnold blows the fog away and continues on the path.  He eventually makes it to the top of star mountain, where it appears that a party was hastily cancelled.  Cakes and banners litter the floor.  There is no one around.  Suddenly swiper appears with a bandaged abdomen, flying through the air on a snow board.  He is headed straight for the necklace!!!!

Swiper: Nyaah Nyaah Nyaah!  The necklace is mine.

Arnold quickly pulls out a stinger missile launcher and locks on to swiper.

Arnold: You’re fired.

Fires the missile as swiper reaches the top of the star, where the necklace is lodged.  Swiper explodes into 1000 pieces as the necklace flies through the air, landing perfectly in arnold’s open palm.

Arnold: He got so worked up about swiping that necklace…he fell to pieces!

Fin

********

Tht script got me so pumped that I drop kicked some kid who came into the gym when i finished it!

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Here is Subzero, now Plainzero!


I have been aware for quite some time that there is a death metal band out there called “Austrian Death Machine” that made a song clalled “Get to the Choppa,” like the famous line Arnold said in Predator. And yet, even with my fantastic brain, I did not know how awesome the band truly was until today.  Here’s there album cover

...lol

Here are the tracks off that album:

  1. “Hello California” – 1:25
  2. “Get to the Choppa” – 2:47 (Quote from Predator)
  3. “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” – 2:23 (Quote from Last Action Hero)
  4. “All of the Songs Sound the Same” – 0:13
  5. “I Am a Cybernetic Organism, Living Tissue Over (Metal) Endoskeleton” – 3:34 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  6. “Come with Me If You Want to Live” – 3:46 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  7. “What It’s Like to Be a Singer at Band Practice” – 1:18
  8. “Who Is Your Daddy, And What Does He Do?” – 3:11 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  9. “You Have Just Been Erased” – 2:21 (Quote from Eraser)
  10. “Broo-Tall Song Idea” – 0:39
  11. “Here Is Subzero, Now Plain Zero” – 3:08 (Quote from The Running Man)
  12. “So Far, So Good, So Let’s Talk About It” – 0:42
  13. “Screw You (Benny)” – 2:49 (Quote from Total Recall)
  14. “Why?” – 0:25 (reference to Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  15. “If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It” – 3:43 (Quote from Predator)
  16. “It’s Not a Tumor” – 3:16 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  17. “Not So Hidden Track” – 2:49

So incase it wasn’t already apparent, Austrian Death Machine is a death metal band based completely around bad Arnold Schwarzeneggar puns.  Clearly this is the most awesome band in existence ever.  How could it possibly get better?

Oh wait….

it does

Not only is Austrian Death Machine the pet project of one of my favorite death metal singers (read screamers), As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis, it turns out that Tim does absolutely everything in death machine: Drums, base, guitars, vocals etc.  One guy.  As far as extra help goes, he only brings in a guy that sounds like arnold to do some voice work and celeb guitarists for solos.  Now i know what your thinking, “If this post had any more arnold related awesomeness in it, my brain might explode from Awsoverloadsomeness!”  Well get ready to hire a maid, because your about to have some dirty walls

That video has probably left you speechless.  I know I am.  Thats why I’m blogging.  I think Samford needs to stop doing plays like the Odd Couple or Thoroughly Modern Millie and needs to do more plays completely based around Arnold Schwarzeneggar.  In fact, I think most things that I don’t like would be better if the Arnold from the 80’s were in them.  Take Two and a Half Men.  How much better would it be if instead of whoever is Charlie Sheen’s brother being Charlie Sheen’s brother, it was Arnold Schwarzegger?  And Arnold’s Son, the original “half” mentioned in the title, was also Arnold Scwarzeneggar?  In case you need to brush up on your arnold puns, watch this.

Good now you’re ready.

*****

Scene opens in Charlie Sheen’s opulent casa.  Arnold is sitting in a chair and Charlie is at the piano.

Charlie: Hey I need you to leave tonight, since I am such a successful whatever and have women over all the time.  I have some woman coming over who was attracted to me because of my money and boyish charm!

Arnold: But I was going to teach my son, Arnold, how to kill things tonight.

Charlie: My house, my rules.

Arnold (screaming in rage as he lunges at Charlie): NYAAAAAHHHH!!!

Charlie (panicked): Arnold, calm down!  We’d go somewhere else but my car is broken!

Arnold walks over to a window overlooking the cliff Sheen’s house sits on .

Arnold (Smiling wryly/insanely): Need a lift?

Arnold hurls Charlie Sheen out the window to his horrible doom, luaghign maniacly.  He turns to little arnold, who has been watching the whole time.

Arnold: In the 30 years ive known him, thats the fastest he’s ever fallen for a girl!

The both laugh, along with the studio audience.  End Scene

*******

As you can see, my version of the show is approximately 45 BILLION times better than the original and would be a lot cheaper to produce, seeing as there would be only one episode that would last about 4 minutes.  Since this is already the most popular show on TV, according to advertisements I saw for it, my new version would be so popular that TV would probably be cancelled forever, because, you know, why bother anymore?

Or hey, what about Jersey Shore with Arnold?

*******

Scene opens with the situation up in Arnold’s grill.  They are on the roof or something.  I dunno… I’ve never watched this show. Whatever.

Situation: You wanna see the situation (points to his abs)

Arnold (smiling): You’re a funny guy situation.  I like you (suddenly changes to a serious face) that’s why i’m going to kill you last.

Situation (spitting in Arnold’s face): That’s the situation

Arnold (Grabbing situation by the neck and hoisting him over the roof): NYAAAHHHH!!!!

Situation: But i thought you said you were going to kill me last!

Arnold: I lied.

(Drops situation)

Rest of jersey shor crew shows up on the roof.  Things are very tense/awkward.

Arnold (smiling) Allow me to break the ice.

One of the characters…i dont know who…i doesnt really matter…snookie or whatever: You… You Killed the situation!

Arnold: I did nothing!  The pavement was his enemy!

End Scene

In case it is unclear to you by now, literally everything is better with the Arnold in it.  I find putting arnold in stuff he’s not meant to be in is absolutely hilarious, so ill do more of it later.

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