If I were a serial killer


If I were a serial killer I’d murder people in the drive through at In and Out Burger.

It’d be so easy. No one would be able to drive away, and no one would want to get out and help because they’d be on their phones. They’re always on the phone, especially in the infinite line at 10:30 pm at an In and Out Burger.

I’d go up to the driver side windows and tap the glass with a knife. It’d be a long knife, one of those scary ones you’ve always assumed hillbillies would kill you with if they only got the chance.

It would have been my dad’s knife. He’d have shown he how to skin a deer, but he never would have imagined the uses I’d put it to.

I’d tap the glass, and they’d glance over at me. Their fear would be delicious, like a double double animal style hold the lettuce.

People tapping on your window isn’t that weird in LA, but it is weird when they do it with a knife.

I’d be wearing a black hoodie and have a big, bushy beard.

It’d be dirty.

It’d have burger bits in it.

I’d grin and my gold tooth would show and then I’d duck down under the car. It’d make things scarier.They’d try to find me but they never would. They’d be too distracted by the Facebook or the Twitter. By the little lights blinking on their phone’s screen.

I’d get them in the end. If I were a serial killer, I always would.

If I were a serial killer.

I’m not, though. Most people aren’t.

You read about stuff. You see a headline, you see a Facebook status, you see a flag as someone’s profile picture, you catch a little phrase on the Facebook trending bar, and you get scared.

They mostly put scary stuff on that trending bar. They mostly put scary stuff in headlines.

They don’t do it for any insidious reason.

It’s just that bad news sells.

Bad news sells, and everyone knows things are getting worse.

There was a time in the Roman Empire when people realized things were as good as they were ever going to get.

“This is it,” people would say to each other, “it ain’t going to get any better.”

“Yep,” the would agree, “I’m afraid this is it.”

“Things are only getting worse,” they’d say.

“Worse and worse.”

Can you imagine what the Facebook trading bar was like back then?

Full of bad news, or bad news that was on its way, or bad news that could happen.

Full of scary headlines.

You see stuff like that and you get scared.

You get scared and you go to In and Out Burger at close to midnight and you think about how easy it would be fore some psycho to kill everyone in line and no one would be able to get away or notice everyone else was dead until it was too late.

But most people are good people. They aren’t serial killers.

But it’d be easy to imagine they weren’t good people.

You don’t have to though.

It’d be so easy.

But you don’t have to.


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  1. ericstone51

     /  March 24, 2016

    I happen to be reading Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King. Kinda what you wrote here.

    • williamcharlesbrock

       /  March 24, 2016

      I’ve since given up on saying “I’ve never even heard of that book” when talking about Steven King, because there are so many of his books I have never even heard of. He’s written like, what, 100?
      Anyway, I’ve never even heard of that book! Is it about a guy that kills
      people at drive thrus?

      • ericstone51

         /  March 24, 2016

        Yup, Mr. Mercedes steals a Mercedes Benz and runs it through a crowd of people killing at least 8, but of course that’s just the hook. I guess you’d call that a drive thru..

  2. Good story.
    Strong voice.
    Look behind you when you’re in the drive in, that’s my take away. 🙂

  3. I started laughing the minute you mentioned knives & hillbillies. Thanks, I needed that! 😁

  4. Thanks for your visit to my blog William and the great laugh on your serial killer. Funny as it is, you do make the point well about our technology things. Best. Chevvy.

  5. I long for a good news channel on tv. But would anyone watch it? We seem to love shootings and earthquakes… Good god last night there were six national shootings on the news. Which is why I try to not watch the news. I almost think it perpetuates the crap….


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