Here’s the beginning to a new short story I’m working on. I’ve decided to post the first 8 lines for Weekend Writing Warriors What do you guys think?
* * * * *
I saw her.
She was there, a brief moment, ah! But too brief. There, on the stage, smiling, her perfect teeth glistening in their perfect rows, the dimples and freckles, her wide eyes and perfect skin and oh! Be still my hear, but I saw her.
And then it was there was a blackout, a lowered curtain; the interval, and she was gone.
I decided to complete the ritual and purchase a gin and tonic from the third ring bar. London’s National Theatre has expensive drinks, but it had become part of the pattern, and I daren’t break with tradition.
* * * * *
On a side note I’ve finished my screenplay (finally). 101 pages of glory. Look for it in theaters in the next two years (he said hopefully). It’s called “A Stellar Holiday” and it’s about aliens.
-Corngoblin
words4jp
/ April 12, 2013i like this – i am certainly intrigued and would like to read more.
thecorngoblin
/ April 13, 2013Thanks. I’m writing more right now! Let’s hope it turns out.
silkpurseproductions
/ April 13, 2013Definite potential.
Will there be tickets waiting for us at the theatre for “A Stellar Holiday”?
thecorngoblin
/ April 13, 2013If it ever gets made, remind me and I will BUY you a ticket.
Dog Brindle aka Michael Estey
/ April 14, 2013I’m intrigued. I want more.
thecorngoblin
/ April 14, 2013Great thank you.
veronicascott
/ April 14, 2013Interesting, definitely leaves me with questions and a strong desire to keep reading. Terrific snippet!
thecorngoblin
/ April 14, 2013Thanks for reading!
ellaquinnauthor
/ April 14, 2013Congratulations on your play. Wonderful 8. I tweeted.
thecorngoblin
/ April 14, 2013Thanks so much for reading!
Teresa Cypher (@Teresa_Willow)
/ April 14, 2013Hmm…I’m wondering why the ritual? And that’s good–you have the reader wondering. 🙂 Nice 8!
thecorngoblin
/ April 14, 2013Not all is well with the narrator. I wanted to give the impression of his creepiness at the beginning. Thanks for stopping by.
Elaine Cantrell
/ April 14, 2013Drew me right in.
Sue Kennedy
/ April 16, 2013Now I’m waiting for the next bit! Looking forward to the movie, too!
kriskkaria
/ April 16, 2013Congratulations on finishing your screenplay! A friend and I started one but we’ve never finished it.
ED Martin
/ April 18, 2013I love the lack of context for the narrator and this girl – who is he? Who is she? Great way to bring the reader in!