Concerning Harry Potter and the Houses of Hogwarts

So incase you have been living in Antarctica, outer space, or on a small and isolated island in the south pacific, you’ve probably heard of this Harry Potter character and his magical school of Hogwarts, a name that at first delighted my 10 year old sensibilities and then later evolved to be commonplace in todays normal wizarding vernacular.  After reading the first book, I waited expectantly in my living room on my 11th birthday for a letter from Hogwarts telling me that I was a wizard.  I knew of course that Harry Potter and his friends weren’t truly real, but… what if they were?  The possibilities were endless.

Some call me... Tim?

At Hogwarts, which i didn’t even get a thank you for applying letter from, the students are divided into four dormitory houses: Gryffindor, the obviously best one, Slytherin, the obviously worst one, and Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, the obviously who fucking cares? ones.  This sorting takes place on the students first day ever, during an elaborate ceremony where the prospective student has to sit on a stool in front of everyone with a comically old and oversized “sorting hat” that magically chooses a house for them.  It is said that students have at least a partial choice in the matter, but this is obviously not true.  If it were true, Slytherin would have around 30 die hard students in it, bound together by their singular hatred of Gryffindor, and Gryffindor would have everyone else.  And here’s why.

Author’s note: Im going to rate how each house does with points.  At then end will tally them up and decide which one is the best!  Wheeee!

House Descriptions: every house has representative characteristics that its students are meant to have.  Lets learn what they are.

Gryffindors are meant to have bravery, daring, nerve and chivalry.  Not bad attributes at all.  The knights of the Wizarding World. +10

This is what i got when i searched wizard knight. Awesome.

Hufflepuffs are patient, hard working, loyal and they enjoy to play fair.  It is also the most inclusive house, which means that it is the house for people who couldnt get in to any of the good ones.  Which means it’s the one to be avoided.  Plus, fair play?  Really? -5

This is what I got when I searched hufflepuff house members. Fascinating.

Ravenclaw values intelligence, wit and knowledge.  This initially doesnt seem that bad except that there are people like Hermoine Granger who are smarter, wittier and more knowledgeable than all of the Ravenclaws and are in Gryffindor.  This relegates Ravenclaw to the “nerd” house, comprised mostly of people who only identify themselves as “intelligent, knowledgeable and witty,” and therefore never are. +1

Revenge of the Ravenclaws, as it were.

Lastly we have Slytherin, the house that likes ambitiousness, cunning and resourcefulness.  This is clearly the second best choice after Gryffindor, maybe tied for first at this point, simply because people like Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great could have easily ended up in Slytherin.  Plus dark wizards abound, which is sweet.  +10

Slytherin's founder, Sauron Slytherin.

But here’s the catch: they could also end up in Gryffindor.  Gryffindor inst really for brave people, in the same way the other houses aren’t really for the attributes they advertise.  I’ve made a list of how the sorting actually works.

Gryffindor: Gryffindor is for the best/funniest/smartest/most athletic/most important/most popular/most famous people in the school.

boom

Hufflepuff: Come here if you are a moron who lacks character depth and exists only to die horribly as a warning for Gryffindors to not go there or refrain from touching that.

Ravenclaw: go here if you never want to be heard from ever again, for no other reason than you are boring.  Or if you are Luna I suppose…

Slytherin: if you are a sneaky asshole/cheater/douche bag for no reason, then this is the house for you.  You are also allowed to join this house if you hate Gryffindor because you didn’t get in.

Now, by using this new and improved list, it is apparent that Gryffindor is in the best choice, but maybe the actual living places of each house will sway the vote. I doubt it.

Hufflepuff: Do you enjoy living in a fucking basement right next to the always busy and ever noisy kitchen of your school?  Good, because that is where you end up if you are in Hufflepuff!  Did I mention the kitchen staff is comprised entirely of magical slaves?  No?  Hmmm. -10

The hufflepuff common room

Slytherin: Did you like Hufflepuff?  Then you are going to love slytherin, whose housing is similar except that instead of a cozy basement you will be living in  a horrible dungeon!  What better place to foster your ever growing hatred for Gryffindor and their awful do-goodery?  Answer: No where! -10

this is actually what it looks like

Ravenclaw:  Do you like having to answer confusing, bass ackwards riddles in order to enter your room after a long night of studying or a fun time at the three broomsticks?  Good!  Then you will love Racenclaws retarded way of getting into your room.  Instead of a password like the other houses have or, I don’t know, having some sort of magic that can just detect if you are in fact a member of the house you are trying to enter, the Ravenclaw gatekeeper asks you a fucking riddle because hey, only Ravenclaws can solve riddles.  Ever.  I couldn’t find many descriptions of the Ravenclaw common room but i’m sure they sit on spikes or something equally as dumb as their “password.” -10

Cause you'll never get enough riddles right.

Gryffindor:  Do you enjoy plush towers with fantastic windows and incredible views of pretty much everything?  Do you like awesome four post beds?  How about cozy fireplaces and happiness/friendship?  Then you’ll love the Gryffindor common room!  Situated in a badass tower far from the plebeians of the other houses and guarded by an awesome painting who asks you a silly password for admittance, why wouldn’t you want to live here? +10,000

Mmmmmmm.

Still not convinced Gryffindor is the best?  Fine lets just check out the animals associated with the houses.

Gryffindor: lion.  Lions are awesome. +10

Ravenclaw:…an Eagle.  With claws.  I thought it was a raven with claws, but turns out it’s an Eagle, thank you the last muggle to read harry potter.  I still think a crow would have been better, but i didn’t write the book., or i would be really, really rich.  But Eagles are sweet, so +10 for Ravenclaw.

Slytherin: a snake.  Awesome/slightly insulting.+15 – 5 = 10

Hufflepuff: a badger.  Oh hufflepuff.  You were so close to greatness.  In case you dont know, the Honey Badger (it’s number one on the list) is the most badass animal in the history of ever because it simply doesn’t care about anything.  Besides killing and eating I guess. +1

I think there is no clear winner in this category, but there is a clear loser.  Step up and take your prize, Ravenclaw.

Alright!  It’s score time!

processing….

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And coming in last place with a combined score of -14 is Hufflepuff

In third is ravenclaw with a respectable 1.

In second place, with a respectable score of 10 is the great Slytherin house!

And coming in first with a score of 10,020 is, of course, Gryffindor!  Yay for them…

I mean who didn’t see that one coming?  Almost all of the main characters in the stories are in Gryffindor.  And almost all the bad ones are in Slytherin.  And all of the irrelevant ones are in he other two.  Honestly, if i got on Pottermore and got sorted into Hufflepuff I would just fucking quit.

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Posted by williamcharlesbrock on August 12, 2011

https://wcbrock.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/concerning-harry-potter-and-the-houses-of-hogwarts/