Here is Subzero, now Plainzero!

I have been aware for quite some time that there is a death metal band out there called “Austrian Death Machine” that made a song clalled “Get to the Choppa,” like the famous line Arnold said in Predator. And yet, even with my fantastic brain, I did not know how awesome the band truly was until today.  Here’s there album cover

Here are the tracks off that album:

  1. “Hello California” – 1:25
  2. “Get to the Choppa” – 2:47 (Quote from Predator)
  3. “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” – 2:23 (Quote from Last Action Hero)
  4. “All of the Songs Sound the Same” – 0:13
  5. “I Am a Cybernetic Organism, Living Tissue Over (Metal) Endoskeleton” – 3:34 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  6. “Come with Me If You Want to Live” – 3:46 (Quote from Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  7. “What It’s Like to Be a Singer at Band Practice” – 1:18
  8. “Who Is Your Daddy, And What Does He Do?” – 3:11 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  9. “You Have Just Been Erased” – 2:21 (Quote from Eraser)
  10. “Broo-Tall Song Idea” – 0:39
  11. “Here Is Subzero, Now Plain Zero” – 3:08 (Quote from The Running Man)
  12. “So Far, So Good, So Let’s Talk About It” – 0:42
  13. “Screw You (Benny)” – 2:49 (Quote from Total Recall)
  14. “Why?” – 0:25 (reference to Terminator 2: Judgment Day)
  15. “If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It” – 3:43 (Quote from Predator)
  16. “It’s Not a Tumor” – 3:16 (Quote from Kindergarten Cop)
  17. “Not So Hidden Track” – 2:49

So incase it wasn’t already apparent, Austrian Death Machine is a death metal band based completely around bad Arnold Schwarzeneggar puns.  Clearly this is the most awesome band in existence ever.  How could it possibly get better?

Oh wait….

it does

Not only is Austrian Death Machine the pet project of one of my favorite death metal singers (read screamers), As I Lay Dying vocalist Tim Lambesis, it turns out that Tim does absolutely everything in death machine: Drums, base, guitars, vocals etc.  One guy.  As far as extra help goes, he only brings in a guy that sounds like arnold to do some voice work and celeb guitarists for solos.  Now i know what your thinking, “If this post had any more arnold related awesomeness in it, my brain might explode from Awsoverloadsomeness!”  Well get ready to hire a maid, because your about to have some dirty walls

That video has probably left you speechless.  I know I am.  Thats why I’m blogging.  I think Samford needs to stop doing plays like the Odd Couple or Thoroughly Modern Millie and needs to do more plays completely based around Arnold Schwarzeneggar.  In fact, I think most things that I don’t like would be better if the Arnold from the 80’s were in them.  Take Two and a Half Men.  How much better would it be if instead of whoever is Charlie Sheen’s brother being Charlie Sheen’s brother, it was Arnold Schwarzegger?  And Arnold’s Son, the original “half” mentioned in the title, was also Arnold Scwarzeneggar?  In case you need to brush up on your arnold puns, watch this.

Good now you’re ready.


Scene opens in Charlie Sheen’s opulent casa.  Arnold is sitting in a chair and Charlie is at the piano.

Charlie: Hey I need you to leave tonight, since I am such a successful whatever and have women over all the time.  I have some woman coming over who was attracted to me because of my money and boyish charm!

Arnold: But I was going to teach my son, Arnold, how to kill things tonight.

Charlie: My house, my rules.

Arnold (screaming in rage as he lunges at Charlie): NYAAAAAHHHH!!!

Charlie (panicked): Arnold, calm down!  We’d go somewhere else but my car is broken!

Arnold walks over to a window overlooking the cliff Sheen’s house sits on .

Arnold (Smiling wryly/insanely): Need a lift?

Arnold hurls Charlie Sheen out the window to his horrible doom, luaghign maniacly.  He turns to little arnold, who has been watching the whole time.

Arnold: In the 30 years ive known him, thats the fastest he’s ever fallen for a girl!

The both laugh, along with the studio audience.  End Scene


As you can see, my version of the show is approximately 45 BILLION times better than the original and would be a lot cheaper to produce, seeing as there would be only one episode that would last about 4 minutes.  Since this is already the most popular show on TV, according to advertisements I saw for it, my new version would be so popular that TV would probably be cancelled forever, because, you know, why bother anymore?

Or hey, what about Jersey Shore with Arnold?


Scene opens with the situation up in Arnold’s grill.  They are on the roof or something.  I dunno… I’ve never watched this show. Whatever.

Situation: You wanna see the situation (points to his abs)

Arnold (smiling): You’re a funny guy situation.  I like you (suddenly changes to a serious face) that’s why i’m going to kill you last.

Situation (spitting in Arnold’s face): That’s the situation

Arnold (Grabbing situation by the neck and hoisting him over the roof): NYAAAHHHH!!!!

Situation: But i thought you said you were going to kill me last!

Arnold: I lied.

(Drops situation)

Rest of jersey shor crew shows up on the roof.  Things are very tense/awkward.

Arnold (smiling) Allow me to break the ice.

One of the characters…i dont know who…i doesnt really matter…snookie or whatever: You… You Killed the situation!

Arnold: I did nothing!  The pavement was his enemy!

End Scene

In case it is unclear to you by now, literally everything is better with the Arnold in it.  I find putting arnold in stuff he’s not meant to be in is absolutely hilarious, so ill do more of it later.

It couldnt stay buried forever…..

As I might have said before, I used to blog on a website called Blogspot, which I found to be the adolescent form of WordPress: moody and annoying.  This might have been what caused me to stop writing in first place, that and red dead redemption of course.  After i stumbled upon the glittering beauty of wordpress and, as i bean writing again, enchanted by its ease of use, I realized that some of my articles from Blogspot were still good reads… or at least I thought they were and everyone else who read them were too polite to say otherwise or that they didn’t read it at all.  Anyway, I’ve decided to re-post some of my old posts from Blogspot.  here you go.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My Pretentious Bag: A Study of Sustainability

I bought a pretentious bag at whole foods several weeks ago. This was a time, of course, when our gulf was being submersed in endless pools of oil, France and Italy were sent off in the knock out rounds of the world cup and the Executives of BP found themselves more hated than the demon offspring of Adolf Hitler and the great Satan himself.

It's evil cant be tamed!

Something had to be done, and evey time i looked out my window, do you want to know what I saw? If not I’m gonna tell you anyway. I saw people driving cars and eating food and throwing away trash and running water. No one was doing shit. It was up to me to make sure that the world would be sustainable for the rest of time, even into and after the apocalypse.

Not pictured: an oil spill

Fortunately I was at whole foods, a chain of stores that specializes in making you feel like you are making a difference, and then charging you for it; a cheap psychiatrist. I was waiting to purchase some authentic Greek yogurt, not Greek granola, and Chilean black cherries when the thought struck me: now, at long last, was my time to take a stand. But how? HOW???? And then I saw it, conveniently located by the self-checkout, which I always use because I fear other people, was a bag. But it was no normal bag. No, not a normal bag in the slightest. This bag was made of 80% recycled… stuff. With this bag, I would never again need use paper bags. Since paper bags are the scourge of the planet, I realized that this would be the perfect way for me to make a difference, to take a stand. I gleefully seized said bag, which proudly proclaimed on it’s side that I am for a sustainable ecosystem, and implied that you aren’t. The bag itself is bright blue and green, depicting landscapes and clouds from the Teletubbies, and looks as if it were stitched together by child slaves who were freed and then put to work somewhere else doing the exact same thing, but now for twice as much.

We love making bags! And forced labor!

My self esteem had never soared so high. I puzzled over exactly how many manatees would be saved by my selflessness, over how many orphans that would find loving families because I opted to not use a paper bag. I finally decided on 5. As I headed home, I knew that the world would soon right itself, due to a little thing called the butterfly effect. Who knows the long lasting ramification of my simple purchase? Someone in Vietnam could have very well encountered a leprechaun, gotten a wish, and snagged his pot of gold because I didn’t use a paper bag!

Ye found me pot o' Gold!

And now look what has happened. Oil spill? Plugged. Dengue Fever? Lived through it. Child slave rebellion? Crushed. So next time the world has a problem give me a call. Ill buy another bag.

The ending of an Epoch

Just found out that in the Suite Life of Zach and Cody, a terrible show full of interchangeable Bieber clones for mindless younglings, they have their own “Corn Goblin” who attacks you or something if you eat “corn” or something just as retarded.  Turns out the show is a part of a trilogy that was released in the middle of January which, according to my calculations, is YEARS after james and I came up with the idea.  It’s even MONTHS after I made Th3CornGoblin my xbox live name.  This “episode” of this “tv series” needs to be removed immediately, and all copies of it ever need to be burned, or the corngoblin will exact his terrible revenge.  What happens when the corngoblin exacts his terrible revenge you wonder?  Oh, nothing really.  If you want to find out you can just ask the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorra. Or the martians.  Or the goodly and truthful people of atlantis.  Oh wait… you cant.  They were all utterly and completely annihilated.

Possibly what their doom may look like

Maybe you can ask Zach or Cody, but you better hurry, for their doom approaches on the swift wings of inevitability.  Corngoblin fo EVER.

Into the halls of madness

I have been working on several post ideas recently, and have been unable to complete any of them for various reasons, though more often then not it is the Siren’s call of Call of Duty that lures me away from my efforts.  Hopefully i will be able to get them posted sometime this week or the next.  In the meantime, here’s the best muscle jesus picture ever accompanied with a post I just finished.



I have a professor, lets call him Dr. X, who, I am now certain, is completely insane.  His madness knows no bounds and he is therefore one of my favorite teachers.  It is not because he is an incredibly gifted instructor.  I could care less about nearly everything he says and he does nothing to garner my attention.  He is one of my favorites because his craziness is absolutely hilarious.

Firstly, I never know when he is going to show up.  He could have been in class upwards of an hour before time, or he could walk in 10 minutes late and think nothing of it.  Time has no meaning for the insane, unless of course it has become time to be even more insane, which crazy peaople have an internal clock for.  Example: Crazy man: “Huh, it feels like 2 pm.  Time to turn up the Crazy!”  Dr. X is quite punctual in this regard.

Pictured: a crazy guy

Secondly, Dr. X spends the majority of most classes shouting uncontrollably.  He gives lectures that keep the class on the edge of their seats, for to not pay attention is to suffer death by startleing.  Sometimes he will just shout one word: “Dionysus is the Greek god OF wine and theater.”  Sometimes he will shout many words: “the ANCEINT GREEKS HAD FESTIVALS WHERE PLAYS WERE PREFORMED FOR PIZES!!!!”  Sometimes he will shout things completely incongrues with whatever his brain was speaking of “WORLD WAR 2 ENDED BADLY IF YOU LIKED SAUERKRAUT OR LIKE-A DA SUSHI!”   Sometimes he will shout madness.

or both


Thirdly, the further he delves into the subject matter of the day, the more manic and fast paced his lectures become, until here is veritably leaping around like a mad igit, as the Irish would say, shouting about the merits of an environmental theatre construction.  He also seems to know in any given play who the set designer and costume designer were.  Dr. X accidentally ran into his favorite set designer one time while strolling the streets of London.  “Accidentally.”

And then, as quickly as the madness set in, it leaves him when class is over.  He calmly tells us that class has ended and its time to go, and that we will pick up next class period. I look forward to learning what other sort of antics he does as the year progresses, and will most certainly write them down to be shared.

Daily Perils Fully Realized

I learned in Astronomy today that in times long past people thought the earth traveled around the sun in an elliptical orbit.  This was news to me, because i always thought the earth traveled in a circle with the sun at the center.  There is nothing in the center of one of these hateful “ellipses,” only the black void of space.  The sun is somewhere to the right side of the ellipse, at what is called a “focus.”  Here is a diagram.

The terrible doom we could face yearly

The shaded areas are equal to one another, as is the time it takes for the earth to travel around them.  This is somehow due to gravity.  There, now you learned something today.  Anyway, as you can see, the earth comes dangerously close to the sun.   The diagram makes it seem as if one small wobble in the earths rotation, one tiny bump in the road could send the entirety of civilization careening towards a terrible and fiery doom.  I found it all horribly terrifying.  I sat trembling in a cold, dark auditorium, a lecture droning on at the front, wondering exactly how many times the Earth has come perilously close to an apocalyptic conflagration, courtesy of the sun.  I normally sit away from everyone else but if anyone had been sitting next to me, they would probably begin trembling too because of the sheer gravity of my fears.  It’s called sympathetic trembling (or ST).  Scientists have long been aware of sympathetic trembling (ST) and have learned that it is related somewhat to sympathetic yawning (SY).  The following scenario happens more often than you realize:  everyday Joe is sitting innocently and keeping to himself when to his left an unknown person shivers from a chill.  Suddenly everyday Joe’s body is wracked with violent tremors as his face contorts into a mask of fear and confusion.  The spells seldom last long, but the side effects can be devastating.

Lucky for everyone else I was by myself, though I did see a few people twitch.  Later, my professor told us that the earth’s path is more of a circle than an ellipse and that yes charles, we are perfectly safe from the sun’s terrible flames.  This gave me a sense of relief, but then I noticed that was wearing is tie backwards.

How trustworthy is a man who gives lectures with his tie on backwards?

"Who needs a third grade diploma?"

It has begun…

And it’s about time, really.  Indeed, I haven’t blogged or written anything that was not academically inclined for many a fortnight.  With my busy schedule I had no time for anything.  Near the end of last semester I had even sequestered myself in my chambers for nearly TWO whole days writing a paper for my ancient paganism class:

My penultimate moment of inspiration...a moment that changed me forever

A class which incidentally had far more to do with early Christianity than anything awesome like druids, babylonians, satanists or etc.  On top of that, I was heavily involved in a valiant but terrible ultimate frisbee teams, and maybe even attended HALF of the games.  Each time i didnt go, y incredible skill brain was sorely missed.

Master tactician that I was, I always played with my head

Any normal human would at this point be so swamped with work that he or she would contemplate ending it all and working at McDonald’s, but not me.  I still found time to play a disgusting amount of video games, work my fingers to the bone at a job that would have much higher productivity if the entire student staff was traded in for poorly trained orangutans, watch two full seasons of dexter, blow $2000 on stuff and verbally abuse nearly everyone I know, because i felt like it.  I eventually became so busy that I pushed through the barrier of Infinitely Busy and came out the other end into a state of doing absolutley nothing; I was so busy that i had nothing to do.  If this makes no sense go take some physics classes at MIT and then you tell me who’s right.

"He's right you know"

But so far this semester, i have had more free time than something that has alot of free time.  A rock or something.  Maybe a fox.  I could see foxes having lots of free time for some reason.  I had more free time than a fox, so i figured that it was high time i started blogging again.  Not that anyone ever reads what i post anyway, more that by the act of blogging itself I become a less bored person and can at least pretend that my opinions are relevant.  After all, my pages are hosted on the internet.  Who else can claim such a ting?  I had grown tired at the other site I previously used.  Blogspot or whatever.  The formating was fail, as were the customization options and the user base.  Additionally , since I was able to get ads on my website, I felt that I had sold out, which made me angry.  And since I never made any money from these ads, I felt I had chosen a poor place to sell out, which made me even angrier.  So I began to fantasize about greener blogging pastures.  Amazingly, when I went to work last week, some coworkers were discussing blogging, and mentioned that they both used wordpress.

“WordPress…” I thought to myself outloud.  They both stopped talking and turned to look at me.  “Yes…of course!  Wordpress!  Its so simple!  HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”  Needless to say this sudden revelation had a twofold effect: I found a fantastic new website to host my indecipherable ravings, and I was able to take command of the good chair at work because the girl I was working with had come to believe I was completely insane.  I was all set to embark upon a new adventure of writing, to sail the golden seas of creativity in the HMS imagination… until i began to watch the tudors and completely forgot about blogging until I arrived at work today.

Before I get to the thing that inspired this incredible post, that is, other then my usual inspiration (heavy metal music), I suppose i should answer a glaring question: Why the Corngoblin?  The answer is simple: During a high school track meet, James and I created the mythical “Corngoblin” in order to amuse ourselves, commenting on other runners by saying things like “He runs as swiftly as the Corngoblin!” etc.  The corngoblin later evolved into a goblin that gobbles corn, and then into a long running joke between nick, james and myself.  Most recently, I have used it for an account name for Xbox live and several online games.  Nick has even drawn a picture of him!  The corngoblin is funny because it makes no sense whatsoever.

So anyway, I was going through everyone’s status’s on facebook because I am creepy and that’s what creepy people do, when I came across a particular status that drew my attention.  A friend of mine had deleted most of his facebook friends who he either didn’t know or didn’t care to hear about; a novel idea in this day and age.  He kept only people who meant something to him in some way or another.  And this got me thinking.  Does anyone actually believe that they are friends with all of their facebook friends?   Is there some poor soul who, after his or her first week of college, gets a call from his or her mother and proudly claims “Why yes, I have made friends.  2,387 in fact.  You can see them on my facebook!”  That would be pure insanity.

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words.  I say a picture of insanity wolf is worth 10,000 years of madness.  In short, people probably do have too many facebook friends, but dont worry, i probably wont drop you any time soon.  Probably…

Lastly, heres a short story i wrote for german.  Dont speak german?  TOO BAD.

Die Tragödie der Bananafingers

Bananafingers hat in den Spiegal angestarrt.  Sie war hässlich, und keine Männer haben sie geliebt, weil sie hattet Bannanen für Finger.  Sie, aber, hattet einen Entwurf: wenn alle leute haben Bananen für Finger, dann sie schön würdet. Plötzlich, Hamburgerface hat das Zimmer eingegeben.

“Bananfingers, was ist unrecht?”  Hamburgerface hat gesagt.

“Keine Männer lieben mich, weil ich so hässlich bin!” Bananfingers hat geschrien.  Sie hat den Spiegal mit ihre aasige Hände geschlagen, der ist nicht brach ab weil der Finger zu leicht war.

“Oh mein Bananafingers, du bist schön in dein eigen besondere Weg!  Wer noch kann ihre Finger essen?  Du haßt die appetitlichsten Finger in die ganze Welt!” Hamburgerface hat gesagt.  Neue Tränen sind in Bananafinger’s Augen geformt; Tränen der freude.

“Oh Hamburgerface, du wisst immer wie mich Lächeln machen!  Dass ist warum ich liebe dich.” Sie hat gesagt.  Hamburgerface hat geworden gegen Bananafingers mit Traurigkeit an seiner Gesischt.

“Oh Bananafingers, ich könnte dich nie lieben.”


“Weil… Weil du Bananen für Finger hast!”


I know,  I cry every time i read it too.

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